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Sixth BookAlypius
Alypius
These things we, who are living as friends together, bemoaned together,
but chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with Alypius and
Nebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with me, of persons of
chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had studied under me, both when I
first lectured in our town, and afterwards at Carthage, and he loved me much,
because I seemed to him kind, and learned; and I him, for his great
towardliness to virtue, which was eminent enough in one of no greater years.
Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom those idle spectacles
are hotly followed) had drawn him into the madness of the Circus. But while he
was miserably tossed therein, and I, professing rhetoric there, had a public
school, as yet he used not my teaching, by reason of some unkindness risen
betwixt his father and me. I had found then how deadly he doted upon the
Circus, and was deeply grieved that he seemed likely, nay, or had thrown away
so great promise: yet had I no means of advising or with a sort of constraint
reclaiming him, either by the kindness of a friend, or the authority of a
master. For I supposed that he thought of me as did his father; but he was not
such; laying aside then his father`s mind in that matter, he began to greet
me, come sometimes into my lecture-room, hear a little, and be gone.
I however had forgotten to deal with him, that he should not through a
blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes, undo so good a wit. But Thou, O
Lord, who guidest the course of all Thou hast created, hadst not forgotten
him, who was one day to be among Thy children, Priest and Dispenser of Thy
Sacrament; and that his amendment might plainly be attributed to Thyself, Thou
effectedst it through me, but unknowingly. For as one day I sat in my
accustomed place, with my scholars before me, he entered, greeted me, sat
down, and applied his mind to what I then handled. I had by chance a passage
in hand, which while I was explaining, a likeness from the Circensian races
occurred to me, as likely to make what I would convey pleasanter and plainer,
seasoned with biting mockery of those whom that madness had enthralled; God,
Thou knowest that I then thought not of curing Alypius of that infection. But
he took it wholly to himself, and thought that I said it simply for his sake.
And whence another would have taken occasion of offence with me, that right -
minded youth took as a ground of being offended at himself, and loving me more
fervently. For Thou hadst said it long ago, and put it into Thy book, Rebuke a
wise man and he will love thee. ^6 But I had not rebuked him, but Thou, who
employest all, knowing or not knowing, in that order which Thyself knowest
(and that order is just), didst of my heart and tongue make burning coals, by
which to set on fire the hopeful mind, thus languishing, and so cure it. Let
him be silent in Thy praises, who considers not Thy mercies, which confess
unto Thee out of my inmost soul. For he upon that speech burst out of that pit
so deep, wherein he was wilfully plunged, and was blinded with its wretched
pastimes; and he shook his mind with a strong self-command; whereupon all the
filths of the Circensian pastimes flew off from him, nor came he again
thither. Upon this, he prevailed with his unwilling father that he might be my
scholar. He gave way, and gave in. And Alypius beginning to be my hearer
again, was involved in the same superstition with me, loving in the Manichees
that show of continency which he supposed true and unfeigned. Whereas it was a
senseless and seducing continency, ensnaring precious souls, unable as yet to
reach the depth of virtue, yet readily beguiled with the surface of what was
but a shadowy and counterfeit virtue.
[Footnote 6: Prov. ix. 8.]
He, not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him
to pursue, had gone before me to Rome, to study law, and there he was carried
away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of gladiators.
For being utterly averse to and detesting such spectacles, he was one day by
chance met by divers of his acquaintance and fellow-students coming from
dinner, and they with a familiar violence haled him, vehemently refusing and
resisting, into the Amphitheatre, during these cruel and deadly shows, he thus
protesting: "Though you hale my body to that place, and there set me, can you
force me also to turn my mind or my eyes to those shows? I shall then be
absent while present, and so shall overcome both you and them." They hearing
this, led him on nevertheless, desirous perchance to try that very thing,
whether he could do as he said. When they were come thither, and had taken
their places as they could, the whole place kindled with that savage pastime.
But he, closing the passages of his eyes, forbade his mind to range abroad
after such evils; and would he had stopped his ears also! For in the fight,
when one fell, a mighty cry of the whole people striking him strongly,
overcome by curiosity, and as if prepared to despise and be superior to it
whatsoever it were, even when seen, he opened his eyes, and was stricken with
a deeper wound in his soul than the other, whom he desired to behold, was in
his body; and he fell more miserably than he upon whose fall that mighty noise
was raised, which entered through his ears, and unlocked his eyes, to make way
for the striking and beating down of a soul, bold rather than resolute, and
the weaker, in that it had presumed on itself, which ought to have relied on
Thee. For so soon as he saw that blood, he therewith drunk down savageness;
nor turned away, but fixed his eye, drinking in frenzy, unawares, and was
delighted with that guilty fight, and intoxicated with the bloody pastime. Nor
was he now the man he came, but one of the throng he came unto, yea, a true
associate of theirs that brought him thither. Why say more? He beheld,
shouted, kindled, carried thence with him the madness which should goad him to
return not only with them who first drew him thither, but also before them,
yea and to draw in others. Yet thence didst Thou with a most strong and most
merciful hand pluck him, and taughtest him to have confidence not in himself,
but in Thee. But this was after.
But this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine
hereafter. So was that also, that when he was yet studying under me at
Carthage, and was thinking over at mid-day in the marketplace what he was to
say by heart (as scholars use to practise), Thou sufferedst him to be
apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief. For no other
cause, I deem, didst Thou, our God, suffer it but that he who was hereafter to
prove so great a man, should already begin to learn that in judging of causes,
man was not readily to be condemned by man out of a rash credulity. For as he
was walking up and down by himself before the judgment-seat, with his note -
book and pen, lo, a young man, a lawyer, the real thief, privily bringing a
hatchet, got in, unperceived by Alypius, as far as the leaden gratings which
fence in the silversmiths` shops, and began to cut away the lead. But the
noise of the hatchet being heard, the silversmiths beneath began to make a
stir, and sent to apprehend whomever they should find. But he hearing their
voices, ran away, leaving his hatchet, fearing to be taken with it. Alypius
now, who had not seen him enter, was aware of his going, and saw with what
speed he made away. And being desirous to know the matter, entered the place;
where finding the hatchet, he was standing, wondering and considering it, when
behold, those that had been sent, find him alone with the hatchet in his hand,
the noise whereof had startled and brought them thither. They seize him, hale
him away, and gathering the dwellers in the market-place together, boast of
having taken a notorious thief, and so he was being led away to be taken
before the judge.
But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou
succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he was
being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect met them, who
had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they were to meet him
especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of stealing the goods lost
out of the market-place as though to show him at last by whom these thefts
were committed. He, however, had divers times seen Alypius at a certain
senator`s house, to whom he often went to pay his respects; and recognising
him immediately, took him aside by the hand, and enquiring the occasion of so
great a calamity, heard the whole matter, and bade all present, amid much
uproar and threats, to go with him. So they came to the house of the young man
who had done the deed. There, before the door, was a boy so young as to be
likely, not apprehending any harm to his master, to disclose the whole. For he
had attended his master to the market-place. Whom so soon as Alypius
remembered, he told the architect: and he showing the hatchet to the boy,
asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he presently: and being further
questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus the crime being transferred to
that house, and the multitude ashamed, which had begun to insult over Alypius,
he who was to be a dispenser if Thy Word, and an examiner of many causes in
Thy Church, went away better experienced and instructed.
Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie,
and went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might practise
something of the law he had studied, more to please his parents than himself.
There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an uncorruptness much wondered at by
others, he wondering at others rather who could prefer gold to honesty. His
character was tried besides, not only with the bait of covetousness, but with
the goad of fear. At Rome he was Assessor to the count of the Italian
Treasury. There was at that time a very powerful senator, to whose favours
many stood indebted, many much feared. He would needs, by his usual power,
have a thing allowed him which by the laws was unallowed. Alypius resisted it:
a bribe was promised; with all his heart he scorned it: threats were held out;
he trampled upon them: all wondering at so unwonted a spirit, which neither
desired the friendship, nor feared the enmity of one so great and so mightily
renowned for innumerable means of doing good or evil. And the very Judge,
whose councillor Alypius was, although also unwilling it should be, yet did
not openly refuse, but put the matter off upon Alypius, alleging that he would
not allow him to do it: for in truth had the Judge done it, Alypius would have
decided otherwise. With this one thing in the way of learning was he wellnigh
seduced, that he might have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but
consulting justice, he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming
equity whereby he was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were
allowed. These are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is
faithful also in much ^7. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded out of
the mouth of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous
Mammon, who will commit to your trust true riches? And if ye have not been
faithful in that which is another man`s, who shall give you that which is your
own? ^8 He being such, did at that time cleave to me, and with me wavered in
purpose, what course of life was to be taken.
[Footnote 7: Luke xvi. 10.]
[Footnote 8: Luke xvi. 11, 12.]
Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea and
Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent family -
estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow him, had come to
Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might live in a most ardent
search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed, like me he wavered, an
ardent searcher after true life, and a most acute examiner of the most
difficult questions. Thus were there the mouths of three indigent persons,
sighing out their wants one to another, and waiting upon Thee that Thou
mightest give them their meat in due season. ^9 And in all the bitterness
which by Thy mercy followed our worldly affairs, as we looked towards the end,
why we should suffer all this, darkness met us; and we turned away groaning,
and saying, How long shall these things be? This too we often said; and so
saying forsook them not, for as yet there dawned nothing certain, which, these
forsaken, we might embrace.
[Footnote 9: Ps. cxlv. 15]
And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of time
from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with the desire of
wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the empty hopes and
lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in my thirtieth year,
sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things present, which passed
away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself, "To-morrow I shall find it;
it will appear manifestly, and I shall grasp it; Faustus the Manichee will
come, and clear every thing! O you great men, ye Academicians, it is true
then, that no certainty can be attained for the ordering of life! Nay, let us
search the more diligently, and despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical
books are not absurd to us now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be
otherwise taken, and in a good sense. I will take my stand, where, as a child,
my parents placed me, until the clear truth be found out. But where shall it
be sought or when? Ambrose has no leisure; we have no leisure to read; where
shall we find even the books? Whence, or when procure them? from whom borrow
them? Let set times be appointed, and certain hours be ordered for the health
of our soul. Great hope has dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we
thought, and vainly accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane to
believe God to be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we doubt to
`knock,` that the rest `may be opened`? The forenoons our scholars take up;
what do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then pay we court to our
great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what we may sell to
scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from this intenseness of
care?"
"Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake
ourselves to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain; if it
steals upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence? and where
shall we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not rather suffer the
punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself cut off and end all care
and feeling? Then must this be ascertained. But God forbid this! It is no vain
and empty thing, that the excellent dignity of the authority of the Christian
Faith hath overspread the whole world. Never would such and so great things be
by God wrought for us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came
to an end. Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves
wholly to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those things are
pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must not lightly abandon
them, for it were a shame to return again to them. See, it is no great matter
now to obtain some station, and then what should we more wish for? We have
store of powerful friends; if nothing else offer, and we be in much haste, at
least a presidentship may be given us: and a wife with some money, that she
increase not our charges: and this shall be the bound of desire. Many great
men, and most worthy of imitation, have given themselves to the study of
wisdom in the state of marriage."
While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my
heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the Lord;
and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not daily to die in
myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own abode, and sought it, by
fleeing from it. I thought I should be too miserable, unless folded in female
arms; and of the medicine of Thy mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not,
not having tried it. As for continency, I supposed it to be in our own power
(though in myself I did not find that power), being so foolish as not to know
what is written, None can be continent unless Thou give it;, ^10 and that Thou
wouldest give it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears, and with
a settled faith did cast my care on Thee.
[Footnote 10: Wisd. viii. 2. - Vulg.]
Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no
means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as we had
long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point, so that it
was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his youth he had
entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein; rather had he felt
remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until now most continently.
But I opposed him with the examples of those who as married men had cherished
wisdom, and served God acceptably, and retained their friends, and loved them
faithfully. Of whose greatness of spirit I was far short; and bound with the
disease of the flesh and its deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading
to be loosed, and as if my wound had been fretted, put back his good
persuasions, as it were the hand of one that would unchain me. Moreover, by me
did the serpent speak unto Alypius himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in
his path pleasurable snares, wherein his virtuous and free feet might be
entangled.
For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick
so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we
discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my defence
when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between his momentary
and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so he might easily
despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if but the honourable name of
marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I could not contemn that
course; he began also to desire to be married; not as overcome with desire of
such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For he would fain know, he said, what
that should be, without which my life, so him to pleasing, would to me seem
not life but a punishment. For his mind, free from that chain, was amazed at
my thraldom; and through that amazement was going on to a desire of trying it,
thence to the trial itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage
whereat he wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death; ^11
and he that loves danger, shall fall into it. ^12 For whatever honour there be
in the office of well-ordering a married life, and a family, moved as but
slightly. But me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable
appetite tormented, while it held me captive; him, an admiring wonder was
leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking our dust,
commiserating us miserable, didst come to our help, by wondrous and secret
ways.
[Footnote 11: Is. xxviii. 15.]
[Footnote 12: Ecclus. iii. 27.]
Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was promised,
chiefly through my mother`s pains, that so once married, the health-giving
baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced that I was being daily
fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy promises, were being fulfilled
in my faith. At which time verily, both at my request and her own longing,
with strong cries of heart she daily begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a
vision discover unto her something concerning my future marriage; Thou never
wouldest. She saw indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy
of the human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me
of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any thing,
but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain feeling, which
in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy revelations, and the
dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed on, and a maiden asked in
marriage, two years under the fit age; and as pleasing, was waited for.
And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent
turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living apart
from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus obtained; we were
to bring whatever we might severally procure, and make one household of all;
so that through the truth of our friendship nothing should belong especially
to any; but the whole thus derived from all, should as a whole belong to each,
and all to all. We thought there might be some ten persons in this society;
some of whom were very rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from
childhood a very familiar friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of
his affairs had brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this
project; and therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate
far exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers, as
it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being undisturbed. But
when we began to consider whether the wives, which some of us already had,
others hoped to have, would allow this, all that plan, which was being so well
moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was utterly dashed and cast aside.
Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans, and our steps to follow the broad
and beaten ways of the world; ^13 for many thoughts were in our heart, but Thy
counsel standeth for ever. ^14 Out of which counsel Thou didst deride ours,
and preparedst Thine own; purposing to give us meat in due season, and to open
Thy hand, and to fill our souls with blessing. ^15
[Footnote 13: Matt. vii. 13.]
[Footnote 14: Ps. xxxiii. 11.]
[Footnote 15: Ps. cxlv. 15, 16.]
Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn from
my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto her was torn
and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing unto Thee never to
know any other man, leaving with me my some by her. But unhappy I, who could
not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay, inasmuch as not till after two
years was I to obtain her I sought, not being so much a lover of marriage as a
slave to lust, procured another, though no wife, that so by the servitude of
an enduring custom, the disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in
its vigour, or even augmented, into the dominion of marriage. Nor was that my
wound cured, which had been made by the cutting away of the former, but after
inflammation and most acute pain, it mortified, and my pains became less
acute, but more desperate.
To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming
more miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready to pluck
me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it not; nor did any
thing call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal pleasures, but the fear of
death, and of Thy judgment to come; which amid all my changes, never departed
from my breast. And in my disputes with my friends Alypius and Nebridius of
the nature of good and evil, I held that Epicurus had in my mind won the palm
had I not believed that after death there remained a life for the soul, and
places of requital according to men`s deserts, which Epicurus would not
believe. And I asked, "were we immortal, and to live in perpetual bodily
pleasures, without fear of losing it, why should we not be happy, or what else
should we seek?" not knowing that great misery was involved in this very
thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light of
excellence and beauty, to be embraced for its own sake, which the eye of flesh
cannot see, and is seen by the inner man. Not did I, unhappy, consider from
what source it sprung, that even on these things, foul as they were, I with
pleasure discoursed with my friends, nor could I, even according to the
notions I then had of happiness, be happy without friends, amid what abundance
soever of carnal pleasures. And yet these friends I loved for themselves only,
and I felt that I was beloved of them again for myself only.
O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking
Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon back,
sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest. And behold, Thou
art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched wanderings, and placest us in
Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say, "Run; I will carry you; yea I will
bring you through; there also will I carry you."
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