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Eighth BookLife From Age Thirty-Two
Life From Age Thirty-Two
Augustine`s thirty-second year. He consults Simplicianus: from him hears
the history of the conversion of Victorinus, and longs to devote himself
entirely to God, but is mastered by his old habits; is still further roused by
the history of St. Antony, and the conversion of two courtiers; during a
severe struggle hears a voice from heaven, opens Scripture, and is converted,
with his friend Alypius. His mother`s vision fulfilled.
O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy
mercies on me. Let my bones be be-dewed with Thy love, and let them say unto
Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? ^1 Thou has broken my bonds in sunder, I
will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving. ^2 And how Thou has broken
them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when they hear this, shall
say, "Blessed be the Lord in heaven and in earth, great and wonderful is His
name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, and I was hedged round about on
all sides by Thee. ^3 Of Thy eternal life I was now certain, though I saw it
in a figure and as through a glass. ^4 Yet I had ceased to doubt that there
was an incorruptible substance, whence was all other substance; nor did I now
desire to be more certain of Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my
temporal life, all was wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old
leaven. ^5 The Way, ^6 the Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I
shrunk from going through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and
it seemed good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good
servant of Thine; and Thy grace shone in him. I had heard also that from his
very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into years;
and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of Thy ways, he
seemed to me likely to have learned much experience; and so he had. Out of
which store I wished that he would tell me (setting before him my anxieties)
which were the fittest way for one in my case to walk in Thy paths.
[Footnote 1: Ps. xxxv. 10.]
[Footnote 2: Ps. cxvi. 16, 17.]
[Footnote 3: Job. i. 10.]
[Footnote 4: 1 Cor. xiii. 12.]
[Footnote 5: 1 Cor. v. 7.]
[Footnote 6: John xiv. 6.]
For, I was the church full; and one went this way, and another that way.
But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea now that my desires no
longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honour and profit, a very
grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in comparison of
Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved, ^7 those things
delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with the love of woman; nor
did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he advised me to something
better, chiefly wishing that all men were as himself was. ^8 But I being weak,
chose the more indulgent place; and because of this alone, was tossed up and
down in all beside, faint and wasted with withering cares, because in other
matters I was constrained against my will to conform myself to a married life,
to which I was given up and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of the
Truth, that there were some eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the
kingdom of heaven`s sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it, receive
it. ^9 Surely vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could not out of
the good things which are seen, find out Him who is good. ^10 But I was no
longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the common witness of all
Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and Thy Word, God with Thee, and
together with Thee one God, by whom Thou createdst all things. There is yet
another kind of ungodly, who knowing God, glorified Him not as God, neither
were thankful. ^11 Into this also I had fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me,
^12 and took me thence, and Thou placedst me where I might recover. For Thou
hast said unto man, Behold, the fear of the Lord is wisdom, ^13 and, Desire
not to seem wise; ^14 because they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became
fools. ^15 But I had now found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I
had, ^16 I ought to have bought, and I hesitated.
[Footnote 7: Ps. xxxvi. 8.]
[Footnote 8: I Cor. vii. 8.]
[Footnote 9: Matt. xix. 12.]
[Footnote 10: Wisd. xiii. 1.]
[Footnote 11: Rom. i. 21.]
[Footnote 12: Ps. xviii. 35.]
[Footnote 13: Job. xxviii. 28.]
[Footnote 14: Prov. iii. 7.]
[Footnote 15: Rom. i. 22.]
[Footnote 16: Matt. xiii. 46.]
To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in
receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I
related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read
certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric Professor
of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had translated into Latin,
he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon the writings of other
philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after the rudiments of this
world, ^17 whereas the Platonists many ways led to the belief in God and His
Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of Christ, hidden from the wise, and
revealed to little ones, ^18 he spoke of Victorinus himself, whom while at
Rome he had most intimately known: and of him he related what I will not
conceal. For it contains great praise of Thy grace, to be confessed unto Thee,
how that aged man, most learned and skilled in the liberal sciences, and who
had read, and weighed so many works of the philosophers; the instructor of so
many noble Senators, who also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his
office, had (which men of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved and
obtained a statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper of idols,
and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all the nobility of
Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the love of
"Anubis, barking Deity, and all
The monster Gods of every kind, who fought
`Gainst Neptune,oVenus, and Minerva":
whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which the aged Victorinus had with
thundering eloquence so many years defended; - he now blushed not to be the
child of Thy Christ, and the newborn babe of Thy fountain; submitting his neck
to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead to the reproach of the
Cross.
[Footnote 17: Col. ii. 8.]
[Footnote 18: Matt. xi. 25.]
O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the
mountains and they did smoke, ^19 by what means didst Thou convey Thyself into
that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy Scripture, most
studiously sought and searched into all the Christian writings, and said to
Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as a friend), "Understand that I
am already a Christian." Whereto he answered, "I will not believe it, nor will
I rank you among Christians, unless I see you in the Church of Christ." The
other, in banter replied, "Do walls then make Christians?" And this he often
said, that he was already a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same
answer, and the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often renewed. For
he feared to offend his friends, proud daemon-worshippers, from the height
of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of Libanus, ^20 which the Lord had
not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of enmity would fall upon him. But
after that by reading and earnest thought he had gathered firmness, and feared
to be denied by Christ before the holy angels, should he now be afraid to
confess Him before men, ^21 and appeared to himself guilty of a heavy offence,
in being ashamed of the Sacraments of the humility of Thy Word, and not being
ashamed of the sacrilegious rites of those proud daemons, whose pride he had
imitated and their rites adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and
shame-faced towards the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to
Simplicianus (as himself told me), "Go we to the Church; I wish to be made a
Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him. And having
been admitted to the first Sacrament and become a Catechumen, not long after
he further gave in his name, that he might be regenerated by baptism, Rome
wondering, the Church, rejoicing. The proud saw, and were wroth; they gnashed
with their teeth, and melted away. ^22 But the Lord God was the hope of Thy
servant, and he regarded not vanities and lying madness. ^23
[Footnote 19: Ps. cxliv. 5.]
[Footnote 20: Ps. xxix. 5.]
[Footnote 21: Luke ix. 26.]
[Footnote 22: Ps. cxii. 10.]
[Footnote 23: Ps. xxxi. 6, 40, etc.]
To conclude, when the hour was come for making profession of his faith
(which to Rome they, who are about to approach to Thy grace, deliver, from an
elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set form of words
committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered Victorinus (as was done
to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to be alarmed) to make his
profession more privately: but he chose rather to profess his salvation in the
presence of the holy multitude. "For it was not salvation that he taught in
rhetoric, and yet that he had publicly professed: how much less then ought he,
when pronouncing Thy word, to dread Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his
own words, had not feared a mad multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his
profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another with the
voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? and there ran a low
murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude, Victorinus!
Victorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw him; suddenly were
they hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced the true faith with an
excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him into their very heart: yea by
their love and joy they drew him thither, such were the hands wherewith they
drew him.
Good God! what takes place in man that he should more rejoice at the
salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if there
had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so Thou also,
merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent than over ninety-nine
just persons that need no repentance. ^24 And with much joyfulness do we hear,
so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which had strayed is brought back
upon the shepherd`s shoulder, and the groat is restored to Thy treasury, the
neighbours rejoicing with the woman who found it, ^25 and the joy of the
solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy house it is read of
Thy younger son, that he was dead, and liveth again; had been lost, and is
found. For Thou rejoicest in us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy
charity. For Thou art ever the same; for all things which abide not the same
nor for ever, Thou for ever knowest in the same way.
[Footnote 24: Luke xv. 7.]
[Footnote 25: Ver. 5-9.]
What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding
or recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, and
other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, crying
out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumphant; yet had he not conquered
unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the battle, so much the
more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses the sailors, threatens
shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; sky and sea are calmed, and they
are exceedingly joyed, as having been exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and
his pulse threatens danger; all who long for his recovery are sick in mind
with him. He is restored, though as yet he walks not with his former strength;
yet there is such joy, as was not, when before he walked sound and strong.
Yea, the very pleasures of human life men acquired by difficulties, not those
only which fall upon us unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by
self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no
pleasure, unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, given
to drink, eat certain salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat, which the
drink allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the affianced bride
should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should hold cheap whom, as
betrothed, he sighed not after.
This law holds in foul and accursed joy; this in permitted and lawful
joy; this in the very purest perfection of friendship; this, in him who was
dead, and lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the greater
joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord my God, whereas
Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things around Thee evermore
rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion of things thus ebbs and
flows alternately displeased and reconciled? Is this their allotted measure?
Is this all Thou hast assigned to them, whereas from the highest heavens to
the lowest earth, from the beginning of the world to the end of ages, from the
angle to the worm, from the first motion to the last, Thou settest each in its
place, and realisest each in their season, every thing good after its kind?
Woe is me! how high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and
Thou never departest, and we scarcely return to Thee.
Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us; inflame,
grow sweet unto us; let us now love, let us run. ^26 Do not many, out of a
deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, approach, and are
enlightened, receiving that Light, which they who receive, receive power from
Thee to become Thy sons? ^27 But if they be less known to the nations, even
they that know them, joy less for them. For when many joy together, each also
has more exuberant joy; for that they are kindled and inflamed one by the
other. Again, because those known to many, influence the more towards
salvation, and lead the way with many to follow. And therefore do they also
who preceded them much rejoice not in them, because they rejoice not in them
alone. For far be it, that in Thy tabernacle the persons of the rich should be
accepted before the poor, or the noble before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou
hast chosen the weak things of the world to confound the strong; and the base
things of this world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those
things which are not, that Thou mightest bring to nought things that are. ^28
And yet even that least of Thy Apostles, ^29 by whose tongue Thou soundedest
forth these words, when through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride
conquered, was made to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and became a
provincial of the great King; he also for his former name Saul, was pleased to
be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For the enemy is more
overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom he hath hold of more. But
the proud he hath more hold of, through their nobility; and by them, of more
through their authority. By how much the more welcome then the heart of
Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil had held as an impregnable
possession, the tongue of Victorinus, with which mighty and keen weapon he had
slain many; so much the more abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that
our King hath bound the strong man, ^30 and they saw his vessels taken from
him and cleansed, and made meet for Thy honour; ^31 and become serviceable for
the Lord, unto every good work. ^32
[Footnote 26: Cant. i. 4.]
[Footnote 27: John i. 12.]
[Footnote 28: 1 Cor. i. 27, 28.]
[Footnote 29: 1 Cor. xv. 9.]
[Footnote 30: Matt. xii. 29.]
[Footnote 31: Luke xi. 22, 25.]
[Footnote 32: Tim. ii. 21.]
But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of
Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had he related
it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the Emperor Julian a
law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to teach the liberal sciences
or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, chose rather to give over the wordy
school than Thy Word, by which Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the
dumb; ^33 he seemed to me not more resolute than blessed, in having thus found
opportunity to wait on Thee only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I
was, not with another`s irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy
held, and thence had made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will,
was a lust made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted,
became necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called
it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which had
begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the
only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness,
strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old, one
carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their discord, undid
my soul.
[Footnote 33: Wisd. x. 21.]
Thus I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh
lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. ^34 Myself verily
either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, than in that
which in myself I disapproved. ^35 For in this last, it was now for the more
part not myself, because in much I rather endured against my will, than acted
willingly. And yet it was through me, that custom had obtained this power of
warring against me, because I had come willingly, whither I willed not. And
who has any right to speak against it, if just punishment follow the sinner?
Nor had I now any longer my former plea, that I therefore as yet hesitated to
be above the world and serve Thee, for that the truth was not altogether
ascertained to me; for now it too was. But I, still under service to the
earth, refused to fight under Thy banner, and feared as much to be freed of
all encumbrances, as we should fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the
baggage of this present world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep; and the
thoughts wherein I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would
awake, who yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein.
And as no one would sleep for ever, and in all men`s sober judgment waking is
better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his
limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and, though half displeased, yet even, after
it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured that much
better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself
over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and
gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me mastered. Nor had I
thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from
the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. ^36 And when Thou didst on all
sides show me that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, had
nothing at all to answer, but only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon,"
presently," "leave me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no
present, and my "little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted
in Thy law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled
against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin which was
in my members. ^37 For the law of sin is the violence of custom, whereby the
mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but deservedly, for that it
willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body
of this death, but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lord? ^38
[Footnote 34: Gal. v. 17.]
[Footnote 35: Rom. vii. 18.]
[Footnote 36: Eph. v. 14.]
[Footnote 37: Rom. vii. 22.]
[Footnote 38: Ver. 24, 25.]
And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I was
bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery of
worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O Lord, my
helper and my Redeemer. ^39 Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing my wonted
business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church, whenever free
from the business under the burden of which I groaned. Alypius was with me,
now after the third sitting released from his law business, and waiting to
whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill of speaking, if indeed teaching
can impart it. Nebridius had now, in consideration of our friendship,
consented to teach under Verecundus, a citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and
a very intimate friend of us all; who urgently desired, and by the right of
friendship challenged from our company, such faithful aid as he greatly
needed. Nebridius then was not drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for
he might have made much more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most
kind and gentle friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight
our request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known to
personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction of mind
thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as many hours as
might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning wisdom.
[Footnote 39: Ps. xix. 14.]
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