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Eighth BookWith Pontitianus
With Pontitianus
Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there
came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as being an
African, in high office in the Emperor`s court. What he would with us, I know
not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that upon a table for some
game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened it, and contrary to his
expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he had thought it some of those
books which I was wearing myself in teaching. Whereat smiling, and looking at
me, he expressed his joy and wonder that he had on a sudden found this book,
and this only before my eyes. For he was a Christian, and baptised, and often
bowed himself before Thee our God in the Church, in frequent and continued
prayers. When then I had told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those
Scriptures, a conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the
Egyptian monk; whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to
that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more upon that
subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent. But we
stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully attested, in times so
recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true Faith and Church Catholic.
We all wondered; we, that they were so great, and he, that they had not
reached us.
Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their
holy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts of the
wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery at Milan, full
of good brethren, without the city walls, under the fostering care of Ambrose,
and we knew it not. He went on with his discourse, and we listened in intent
silence. He told us then how one afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was
taken up with the Circensian games, he and three others, his companions, went
out to walk in gardens near the city walls, and there as they happened to walk
in pairs, one went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves;
and these, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited by
certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom of heaven, ^40
and there they found a little book containing the life of Antony. This one of
them began to read, admire and kindle at it; and as he read, to meditate on
taking up such a life, and giving over his secular service to serve Thee. And
these two were of those whom they style agents for the public affairs. Then
suddenly, filled with an holy love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself
he cast his eyes upon his friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what would we
attain by all these labours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can
our hopes in court rise higher than to be the Emperor`s favourites? and in
this, what is there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils
arrive we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God,
if I wish it, I become now at once." So spake he. And in pain with the travail
of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and read on, and was
changed inwardly, where Thou sawest, and his mind was stripped of the world,
as soon appeared. For as he read and rolled up and down the waves of his
heart, he stormed at himself a while, then discerned, and determined on a
better course; and now being Thine, said to his friend, "Now have I broken
loose from those our hopes, and am resolved to serve God; and this, from this
hour, in this place, I begin upon. If thou likest not to imitate me, oppose
not." The other answered, he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a
reward, so glorious a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the
tower at the necessary cost, the forsaking all that they had, and following
Thee. ^41 Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other
parts of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding
them, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they
relating their resolution and purpose, and how that will was begun and settled
in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest them. But the
others, though nothing altered from their former selves, did yet bewail
themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated them, recommending
themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts lingering on the earth, went
away to the palace. But the other two, fixing their heart on heaven, remained
in the cottage. And both had affianced brides, who when they heard hereof,
also dedicated their virginity unto God.
[Footnote 40: Matt. v. 3.]
[Footnote 41: Luke xiv. 26-35.]
Such was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was
speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my back
where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me before my
face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, bespotted and
ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and whither to flee from myself I
found not. And if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, he went on with
his relation, and Thou again didst set me over against myself, and thrustedst
me before my eyes, that I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it. ^42 I had
known it, but made as though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it.
[Footnote 42: Ps. xxxvi. 2.]
But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I
heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, the
more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my years (some
twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, upon the reading of
Cicero`s Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest love of wisdom; and still I
was deferring to reject mere earthly felicity, and give myself to search out
that, whereof not the finding only, but the very search, was to be preferred
to the treasures and kingdoms of the world, though already found, and to the
pleasures of the body, though spread around me at my will. But I wretched,
more wretched in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity
of Thee, and said, "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I
feared lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease of
concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than extinguished. And
I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious superstition, not indeed
assured thereof, but as preferring it to the others which I did not seek
religiously, but opposed maliciously.
I had thought that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject the
hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not appear aught
certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day come wherein I was
to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to upbraid me. "Where art
thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst that for an uncertain truth thou likedst not
to cast off the baggage of vanity; now, it is certain, and yet that burden
still oppresseth thee, while they who neither have worn themselves out with
seeking it, nor for ten years and more have been thinking thereon, have had
their shoulders lightened, and received wings to fly away." Thus was I gnawed
within, and exceedingly confounded with a horrible shame, while Pontitianus
was so speaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business he
came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against myself?
with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it might follow
me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, but excused not
itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there remained a mute
shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be restrained from the flux
of that custom, whereby she was wasting to death.
Then in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had strongly
raised against my soul, in the chamber ^43 of my heart, troubled in mind and
countenance, I turned upon Alypius. "What ails us? I exclaim: "what is it?
what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven by force, ^44 and
we with our learning, and without heart, lo, where we wallow in flesh and
blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others are gone before, and not
ashamed not even to follow?" Some such words I uttered, and my fever of mind
tore me away from him, while he, gazing on me in astonishment, kept silence.
For it was not my wonted tone; and my forehead, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of
voice, spake my mind more than the words I uttered. A little garden there was
to our lodging, which we had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master
of the house, our host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my
breast hurried me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had
engaged with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I
was healthfully distracted and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I was,
and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. I retired then into
the garden, and Alypius, on my steps. For his presence did not lessen my
privacy; or how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down as far removed
as might be from the house. I was troubled in spirit, most vehemently
indignant that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, O my God, which all
my bones cried out unto me to enter, and praised it to the skies. And therein
we enter not by ships, or chariots, or feet, no, move not so far as I had come
from the house to that place where we were sitting. For, not to go only tut,
to go in thither was nothing else but to will to go, but to will resolutely
and thoroughly; not to turn and toss, this way and that, a maimed and
half-divided will, struggling, with one part sinking as another rose.
[Footnote 43: Is. xxvi. 20; Matt. vi. 6.]
[Footnote 44: Matt. vi. 12.]
Lastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many
such motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, if either they have not the
limbs, or these be bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or any other way
hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if locking my fingers I
clasped my knees; I willed, I did it. But I might have willed, and not done
it; if the power of motion in my limbs had not obeyed. So many things then I
did, when "to will" was not in itself " be able"; and I did not what both I
longed incomparably more to do, and which soon after, when I should will, I
should be able to do; because soon after, when I should will, I should will
thoroughly. For in these things the ability was one with the will, and to will
was to do; and yet was it not done: and more easily did my body obey the
weakest willing of my soul, in moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul
obeyed itself to accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will.
Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? Let Thy mercy gleam that I
may ask, if so be the secret penalties of men, and those darkest pangs of the
sons of Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this monstrousness? and to what
end? The mind commands the body, and it obeys instantly; the mind commands
itself, and is resisted. The mind commands the hand to be moved; and such
readiness is there, that command is scarce distinct from obedience. Yet the
mind is mind, the hand is body. The mind commands the mind, its own self, to
will and yet it doth not. Whence this monstrousness? and to what end? It
commands itself, I say, to will, and would not command, unless it willed, and
what it commands is not done. But it willeth nor entirely: therefore doth it
not command entirely. For so far forth it commandeth, as it willeth; and, so
far forth is the thing commanded, not done, as it willeth not. For the will
commandeth that there be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth not
command entirely, therefore what it commandeth, is not. For were the will
entire, it would not even command it to be, because it would already be. It is
therefore no monstrousness partly to will, partly to nill, but a disease of
the mind, that it doth not wholly rise, by truth up-borne borne down by
custom. And therefore are there two wills, for that one of them is not entire:
and what the one lacketh, the other hath.
Let them perish from Thy presence, ^45 O God, as perish vain talkers and
seducers ^46 of the soul: who observing that in deliberating there were two
wills, affirm that there are two minds in us of two kinds, one good, the other
evil. Themselves are truly evil, when they hold these evil things: and
themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent unto the
truth, that Thy Apostle may say to them, Ye were sometimes darkness, but now
light in the Lord. ^47 But they, wishing to be light, not in the Lord, but in
themselves, imagining the nature of the soul to be that which God is, are made
more gross darkness through a dreadful arrogancy; for that they went back
farther from Thee, the true Light that enlighteneth every man that cometh into
the world. ^48 Take heed what you say, and blush for shame: draw near unto Him
and be enlightened, and your faces shall not be ashamed. ^49 Myself when I was
deliberating upon the serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, it
was I who willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor
nilled entirely. Therefore was I at strife with myself, and rent asunder by
myself. And this rent befell me against my will, and yet indicated, not the
presence of another mind, but the punishment of my own. Therefore it was no
more I that wrought it, but sin that dwelt in me; ^50 the punishment of a sin
more freely committed, in that I was a son of Adam.
[Footnote 45: Ps. lxviii. 2.]
[Footnote 46: Tit. i. 10.]
[Footnote 47: Eph v. 8.]
[Footnote 48: John i. 9.]
[Footnote 49: Ps. xxxiv. 5.]
[Footnote 50: Rom. vii. 17.]
For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills,
there shall now be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether he
should go to their conventicle or to the theatre, these Manichees cry out,
Behold, here are two natures: one good, draws this way; another bad, draws
back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between conflicting wills?
But I say that both be bad: that which draws to them, as that which draws back
to the theatre. But they believe not that will to be other than good, which
draws to them. What then if one of us should deliberate, and amid the strife
of his two wills be in a strait, whether he should go to the theatre or to our
church? would not these Manichees also be in a strait what to answer? For
either they must confess (which they fain would not) that the will which leads
to our church is good, as well as theirs, who have received and are held by
the mysteries of theirs: or they must suppose two evil natures, and two evil
souls conflicting in one man, and it will not be true, which they say, that
there is one good and another bad; or they must be converted to the truth, and
no more deny that where one deliberates, one soul fluctuates between contrary
wills.
Let them no more say then, when they perceive two conflicting wills in
one man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two contrary
substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the other bad. For
Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them; as when, both wills
being bad, one deliberates whether he should kill a man by poison or by the
sword; whether he should seize this or that estate of another`s, when he
cannot both; whether he should purchase pleasure by luxury, or keep his money
by covetousness; whether he go to the circus or the theatre, if both be open
on one day; or thirdly, to rob another`s house, if he have the opportunity;
or, fourthly, to commit adultery, if at the same time he have the means
thereof also; all these meeting together in the same juncture of time, and all
being equally desired, which cannot at one time be acted: for they rend the
mind amid four, or even (amid the vast variety of things desired) more,
conflicting wills, nor do they yet allege that there are so many divers
substances. So also in wills which are good. For I ask them, is it good to
take pleasure in reading the Apostle? or good to take pleasure in a sober
Psalm or good to discourse on the Gospel? They will answer to each, "It is
good." What then if all give equal pleasure, and all at once? Do not divers
wills distract the mind, while he deliberates which he should rather choose?
yet are they all good, and are at variance till one be chosen, whither the one
entire will may be borne, which before was divided into many. Thus also, when,
above, eternity delights us, and the pleasure of temporal good holds us down
below, it is the same soul which willeth not this or that with an entire will;
and therefore is rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth
it sets this first, but out of habit sets not that aside.
Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely
than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly
broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O Lord,
pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes
of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not bursting that same
slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and bind me the faster. For
I said within myself, "Be it done now, be it done now," and as I spake, I all
but enacted it: I all but did it, and did it not: yet sunk not back to my
former state, but kept my stand hard by, and took breath. And I essayed again,
and wanted somewhat less of it, and somewhat less, and all but touched, and
laid hold of it; and yet came not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it;
hesitating to die to death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was
inured, prevailed more with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the
very moment wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached
me, the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back,
nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.
The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses,
still held me; they plucked my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, "Dost
thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with thee for ever?
and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for ever?" And
what was it which they suggested in that I said, "this or that," what did they
suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it away from the soul of Thy servant.
What defilements did they suggest! what shame! And now I much less than half
heard them, and not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but
muttering as it were behind my back, and privily plucking me, as I was
departing, but to look back on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I
hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither
I was called; a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live
without them?"
But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my
face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste dignity
of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring me to come
and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace me, her holy hands
full of multitudes of good examples: there were so many young men and maidens
here, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and aged virgins; and
Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of
joys, by Thee her Husband, O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive
mockery, as would she say, "Canst not thou what these youths, what these
maidens can? or can they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord
their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself,
and so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw
Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He will
receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that I yet heard
the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed to
say, "Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members on the earth, that
they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, but not as doth the law of
the Lord thy God." ^51 This controversy in my heart was self against self
only. But Alypius sitting close by my side, in silence waited the issue of my
unwonted emotion.
[Footnote 51: Ps. cix. 85. Old Ver.]
But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul drawn
together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart; there arose a
mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which that I might pour forth
wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from Alypius: solitude was
suggested to me as fitter for the business of weeping; so I retired so far
that even his presence could not be a burden to me. Thus was it then with me,
and he perceived something of it; for something I suppose I had spoken,
wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen
up. He then remained where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast
myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my
tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee.
And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto Thee:
and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry, for ever? ^52
Remember not our former iniquities, ^53 for I felt that I was held by them. I
sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "to-morrow, and to-morrow?"
Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my uncleanness?
[Footnote 52: Ps. vi. 4]
[Footnote 53: Ps. lxxix. 5, 8.]
So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart,
when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl, I know
not, chanting, and oft repeating. "Take up and read; Take up and read."
Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently whether
children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I
remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of my tears, I
arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from God to open the
book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony,
that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, he received the admonition,
as if what was being read was spoken to him: Go, sell all that thou hast, and
give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow
me. ^54 and by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then
I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the
volume of the Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence
read that section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness,
not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the
Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, ^55 in concupiscence.
No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this
sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the
darkness of doubt vanished away.
[Footnote 54: Matt. xix. 21.]
[Footnote 55: Rom. xiii. 13, 14.]
Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume,
and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was wrought
in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see what I had read:
I showed him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew not what
followed. This followed, him that is weak in the faith, receive. ^56 which he
applied to himself, and disclosed to me. And by this admonition was he
strengthened; and by a good resolution and purpose, and most corresponding to
his character, wherein he did always very far differ from me, for the better,
without any turbulent delay he joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we
tell her; she rejoiceth: we relate in order how it took place; she leaps for
joy, and triumpheth, and blessed Thee, Who art able to do above that which we
ask or think, ^57 for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me,
than she was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou
convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope of
this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed me unto
her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst convert her mourning
into joy ^58 much more plentiful than she had desired, and in a much more
precious and purer way than she erst required, by having grandchildren of my
body.
[Footnote 56: Rom. xiv. 1.]
[Footnote 57: Eph. iii. 20.]
[Footnote 58: Ps. xxx. 11.]
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