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Ninth BookDetermines To Devote Life to God
Determines To Devote Life to God
Augustine determines to devote his life to God, and to abandon his
profession of Rhetoric, quietly however; retires to the country to prepare
himself to receive the grace of Baptism, and is baptised with Alypius, and his
son Adeodatus. At Ostia, in his way to Africa, his mother Monnica dies, in her
fifty-sixth year, the thirty-third of Augustine. Her life and character.
O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid.
Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice of
praise. ^1 Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones say,
O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me, and say unto
my soul, I am thy salvation? ^2 Who am I, and what am I? What evil have not
been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if not my words, my
will? But Thou, O Lord, art good and merciful, and Thy right hand had respect
unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom of my heart emptied that abyss
of corruption. And this Thy whole gift was, to nill what I willed, and to will
what Thou willedst. But where through all those years, and out of what low and
deep recess was my free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my
neck to Thy easy yoke, ^3 and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ
Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer? ^4 How sweet did it at once become to me, to
want the sweetness of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was now
a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou true and
highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them enteredst in Thyself,
sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter than all
light, but more hidden than all depths, higher than all honour, but not to the
high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from the biting cares of
canvassing and getting, and weltering in filth, and scratching off the itch of
lust. And my infant tongue spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches,
and my health, the Lord my God.
[Footnote 1: Ps. cxvi. 16, 17.]
[Footnote 2: Ps. xxxv. 10.]
[Footnote 3: Matt. xi. 30.]
[Footnote 4: Ps. xix. 4.]
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to
withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that the
young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying dotages and
law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for their madness. And
very seasonably it now wanted but very few days unto the Vacation of the
Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a regular way to take my
leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no more to return for sale. Our
purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it
not known. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any:
although to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, and singing that song
of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the
subtle tongue, which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of
love devour us, as it doth its meat.
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words
as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, whom for
black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled together in the
receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that our heavy torpor, that
we should not sink down to the abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that
all the blasts of subtle tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the
more fiercely, not extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name`s sake
which Thou hast hallowed throughout the earth this our vow and purpose might
also find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the
vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was
before the eyes of all; so that, all looking on this act of mine, and
observing how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would
talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what end
had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my purpose, and
that our good should be evil spoken of. ^5
[Footnote 5: Rom. xiv. 16.]
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs
began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply with
difficulty and by the pain in my chest to show that they were injured, and to
refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had troubled me, for it almost
constrained me of necessity to lay down that burden of teaching, or, if I
could be cured and recover, at least to intermit it. But when the full wish
for leisure, that I might see how that Thou art the Lord, ^6 arose, and was
fixed, in me; my God, Thou knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this
secondary, and that no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the
offence taken by those who, for their sons` sake, wished me never to have the
freedom of Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of
time were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured
manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of this
heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been overwhelmed,
had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy servants, my
brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart fully set on Thy
service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair of lies. Nor
would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and
remitted this sin also, with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the
holy water?
[Footnote 6: Ps. xlvi. 10.]
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that
being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw that he
should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian, his wife one
of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any other chain, was he
let and hindered from the journey which we had now essayed. For he would not,
he said, be a Christian on any other terms than on those he could not.
However, he offered us courteously to remain at his country-house so long as
we should stay there. Thou, O Lord, shalt reward him in the resurrection of
the just, ^7 seeing Thou hast already given him the lot of the righteous. ^8
For although in our absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily
sickness, and therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he
departed this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: ^9
lest remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable
to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable sorrow.
Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions and consolations tell
us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest Verecundus for his country -
house of Cassiacum, where from the fever of the world we reposed in Thee, with
the eternal freshness of Thy Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his
sins upon earth, in that rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk,
Thine own mountain.
[Footnote 7: Luke xiv. 14.]
[Footnote 8: Ps. cxxv. 3.]
[Footnote 9: Phil. ii. 27.]
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he also,
not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most pernicious
error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet emerging thence, he
believed as we did; not as yet endued with any Sacraments of Thy Church, but a
most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom, not long after our conversion and
regeneration by Thy Baptism, being also a faithful member of the Church
Catholic, and serving Thee in perfect chastity and continence amongst his
people in Africa, his whole house having through him first been made
Christian, didst Thou release from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham`s
bosom. Whatever that be, which is signified by that bosom, there lives my
Nebridius, my sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man:
there he liveth. For what other place is there for such a soul? There he
liveth, whereof he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not
his ear to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh
as much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly
happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget me;
seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were we then,
comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship permitted, that our
conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to become faithful, according
to his measure, namely, of a married estate; and awaiting Nebridius to follow
us, which, being so near, he was all but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled
by at length; for long and many they seemed, for the love I bare to the
easeful liberty, that I might sing to Thee from my inmost marrow, My heart
hath said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek. ^10
[Footnote 10: Ps. xxvii. 8.]
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric
Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done. Thou
didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. And I
blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What I there did
in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though still, in this
breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of pride, my books may
witness, as well what I debated with others, as what with myself alone, before
Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my Epistles bear witness. And when
shall I have time to rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at that time,
especially when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls
me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads
Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills
of my high imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough
ways; and how Thou also subduest the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the
Name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would
not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he
have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now
broken down, ^11 than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote
against serpents.
[Footnote 11: Ps. xxix. 5.]
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of
David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no
swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, resting
in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to us, in female
garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, motherly love,
Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee in those Psalms, and
how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on fire to rehearse them, if
possible, through the whole world, against the pride of mankind! And yet they
are sung through the whole world, nor can any hide himself from Thy heat. ^12
With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered at the Manichees! and again
I pitied them for that they knew not those Sacraments, those medicines, and
were mad against the antidote which might have recovered them of their
madness. How I would they had then been somewhere near me, and without my
knowing that they were there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my
words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that
Psalm wrought upon me, When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in
tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear my
prayer. ^13 Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear, without
my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake the same it for
their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same things, nor in
the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me; nor if I spake them
would they so receive them, as when I spake by and for myself before Thee, out
of the natural feelings of my soul.
[Footnote 12: Ps. xix. 6.]
[Footnote 13: Ps. iv. 1. Old Vers.]
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in
Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, when
Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long slow of
heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing.? ^14 For I had loved
vanity, and sought after leasing. ^15 And Thou, O Lord, hadst already
magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at Thy
right hand, ^16 whence from on high He should send His promise, the Comforter,
the Spirit of truth. ^17 And He had already sent Him, but I knew it not; He
had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from the dead, and
ascending into heaven. ^18 For till then, the spirit was not yet given,
because Jesus was not yet glorified. ^19 And the prophet cries out, How long,
slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, that
the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries out, How Long? He cries out,
Know this: and I so long, not knowing, loved vanity, and sought after leasing:
and therefore I heard and trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I
remembered myself to have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for
truths, was there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly
and forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had heard,
who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance have been
troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them when they cried
unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die for us, who now
intercedeth unto Thee for us. ^20
[Footnote 14: Ps. iv. 2. Old Vers.]
[Footnote 15: Ver. 3.]
[Footnote 16: Eph. i. 20.]
[Footnote 17: Luke xxix. 49; John xiv. 16, 17.]
[Footnote 18: Acts ii. 1-4.]
[Footnote 19: John vii. 39.]
[Footnote 20: Rom. viii. 34.]
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. ^21 And how was I moved O my God,
who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might not
sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not another
nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say who are not
angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day of wrath, and of
the revelation of Thy just judgment. ^22 Nor were my good things now without,
nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they that would
have joy from without soon become vain, and waste themselves on the things
seen and temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their very shadows.
Oh that they were wearied out with their famine, and said, Who will show us
good things? ^23 And we would say, and they hear, The light of Thy countenance
is sealed upon us. ^24 For we are not that light which enlighteneth every man,
^25 but we are enlightened by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we
may be light in Thee. ^26 Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which
having tasted, I was grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they
brought me their heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said,
Who will show us good things? ^27 For there, where I was angry within myself
in my chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying
my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust in Thee,
^28 - there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put gladness in
my heart. ^29 And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding it inwardly.
Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away time, and wasted by
time; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence other corn, and wine, and
oil.
[Footnote 21: Eph. iv. 26.]
[Footnote 22: Rom. ii. 5.]
[Footnote 23: Ps. iv. 6.]
[Footnote 24: Ibid.]
[Footnote 25: John i. 9.]
[Footnote 26: Eph. v. 8.]
[Footnote 27: Ps. iv. 6.]
[Footnote 28: Ver. 5.]
[Footnote 29: Ps. iv. 7.]
And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in
peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and sleep, ^30
for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is written,
Death is swallowed up in victory? ^31 And Thou surpassingly are the Self same,
Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all toil, for there
is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many other things, which are
not what Thou art: but Thou Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I read,
and kindled; nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself had
been, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against those writings,
which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light:
and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture.
[Footnote 30: Ver. 8.]
[Footnote 31: 1 Cor. xv. 54.]
When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither
have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and the
wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with pain in my
teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could not speak, it came
into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray for me to Thee, the God
of all manner of health. And this I wrote on wax, and gave it to them to read.
Presently so soon as with humble devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain
went away. But what pain? or how went it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my
God, for from infancy I had never experienced the like. And the power of Thy
Nod was deeply conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And
that faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not
yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.
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