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Ninth BookPreparation For Baptism
Preparation For Baptism
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide
their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had both
made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing and pain in
my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters I signified to Thy
Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and present desires, begging
his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best read, to become readier and
fitter for receiving so great grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I
believe, because he above the rest is a more clear fore-shower of the Gospel
and of the calling of the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson
in him, and imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when
better practised in our Lord`s own words.
Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left
the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with me born
again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting Thy
Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with unwonted
venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet. We joined with
us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh of my sin. Excellently hadst Thou
made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in wit surpassed many grave and
learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, and
abundantly able to reform our deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but
the sin. For that we brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else,
had inspired us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of
ours entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest
that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas, in
his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I found in him. That
talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be the workmaster of such
wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the earth: and I now remember him
without anxiety, fearing nothing for his childhood or youth, or his whole
self. Him we joined with us, out contemporary in grace, to be brought up in
Thy discipline; and we were baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished
from us. Nor was I sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of
considering the depth of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How
did I weep, in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of
Thy sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the Truth
distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion overflowed, and
tears ran down, and happy was I therein.
Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation
and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice and
hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother to the
Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in favour of her
heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout people kept watch
in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy servant. There my mother Thy
handmaid, bearing a chief part of those anxieties and watchings, lived for
prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by
the sight of the amazed and disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that
after the manner of the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung,
lest the people should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from
that day to this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy
congregations, throughout other parts of the world, following herein.
Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the
bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst in Thy
secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou mightest
seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an Empress. For
when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour translated to the
Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with unclean spirits (the
devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a certain man who had for many
years been blind, a citizen, and well known to the city, asking and hearing
the reason of the people`s confused joy, sprang forth, desiring his guide to
lead him thither. Led thither, he begged to be allowed to touch with his
handkerchief the bier of Thy saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. ^32
Which when he had done, and put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened.
Thence did the fame spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind
of that enemy, though not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet turned
back from her fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and
whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should confess these things
also unto Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by in forgetfulness.
And yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was so fragrant, did we not run
after Thee. ^33 Therefore did I more weep among the singing of Thy Hymns,
formerly sighing after Thee, and at length breathing in Thee, as far as the
breath may enter into this our house of grass.
[Footnote 32: Ps. cxvi. 15.]
[Footnote 33: Cant. i. 2, 3.]
Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, ^34 didst join
with us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of
Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his secular
warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to dwell together in
our devout purpose. We sought where we might serve Thee most usefully, and
were together returning to Africa: whitherward being as far as Ostia, my
mother departed this life. Much I omit, as hastening much. Receive my
confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for innumerable things whereof I am
silent. But I will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring forth concerning
that Thy handmaid, who brought me forth, both in the flesh, that I might be
born to this temporal light, and in heart, that I might be born to Light
eternal. Not her gifts, but Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did
she make nor educate herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father and
mother know what a one should come from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ,
the discipline of Thine only Son, in a Christian house, a good member of Thy
Church, educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was she wont to
commend not so much her mother`s diligence, as that of a certain decrepit maid
- servant, who had carried her father when a child, as little ones used to be
carried at the backs of elder girls. For which reason, and for her great age,
and excellent conversation, was she, in that Christian family, well respected
by its heads. Whence also the charge of her master`s daughters was entrusted
to her, to which she gave diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when
necessary, with a holy severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion.
For, except at those hours wherein they were most temperately fed at their
parents` table, she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst, to
drink even water; preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome advice:
"Ye drink water now, because you have not wine in your power; but when you
come to be married, and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards, you will
scorn water, but the custom of drinking will abide." By this method of
instruction, and the authority she had, she refrained the greediness of
childhood, and moulded their very thirst to such an excellent moderation that
what they should not, that they would not.
[Footnote 34: Ps. lxviii. 6.]
And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her a love
of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober maiden, was
bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshead, holding the vessel
under the opening, before she poured the wine into the flagon, she sipped a
little with the tip of her lips; for more her instinctive feelings refused.
For this she did, not out of any desire of drink, but out of the exuberance of
youth, whereby, it boils over in mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits
are wont to be kept under by the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding
to that little, daily littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by
little and little ^35, she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink
off her little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then that discreet old
woman, and that her earnest countermanding? Would aught avail against a secret
disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord, watched not over us? Father, mother, and
governors absent, Thou present, who createdst, who callest, who also by those
set over us, workest something towards the salvation of our souls, what didst
Thou then, O my God? how didst Thou cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out
of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of Thy
secret store, and with one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a
maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as it
happens) with her little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her with this
fault, with most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt,
she, stung to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly
condemned and forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful
enemies mostly correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselves
purposed, dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex her young
mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private, for that the time and place
of the quarrel so found them; or lest herself also should have anger, for
discovering it thus late. But Thou, Lord, Governor of all in heaven and earth,
who turnest to Thy purposes the deepest currents, and the ruled turbulence of
the tide of times, didst by the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another;
lest any, when he observes this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when
another, whom he wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his.
[Footnote 35: Ecclus. xix. 1.]
Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee to
her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of marriageable
age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her lord; and did her
diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto him by her conversation;
by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her reverently amiable, and admirable
unto her husband. And she so endured the wronging of her bed as never to have
any quarrel with her husband thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him,
that believing in Thee, he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was
fervid, as in his affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not to resist an
angry husband, not in deed only, but not even in word. Only when he was
smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it, she would give an
account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily taken offence. In a word,
while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in their faces
marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their husbands` lives she would
blame their tongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from the
time they heard the marriage writings read to them, they should account them
as indentures, whereby they were made servants; and so, remembering their
condition, ought not to set themselves up against their lords." And when they,
knowing what a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never been
heard, nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that
there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day, and
confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice above
mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returned thanks;
those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered.
Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants
incensed against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering endurance
and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her son the meddling
tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her daughter-in-law had
been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then, when in compliance with his
mother, and for the well-ordering of the family, and the harmony of its
members, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at her will who had
discovered them, she promised the like reward to any who, to please her,
should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her: and none now venturing,
they lived together with a remarkable sweetness of mutual kindness.
This great gift also Thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that good
handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between any
disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed herself such
a peace-maker, that hearing on both sides most bitter things, such as
swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into, when the crudities of
enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a present friend against an
absent enemy, she never would disclose aught of the one unto the other, but
what might tend to their reconcilement. A small good this might appear to me,
did I not to my grief know numberless persons, who through some horrible and
wide-spreading contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually
angered things said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to
humane humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not to foment or increase ill
will by ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it. Such
was she, Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the school of
the heart.
Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, did
she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a believer,
which before he was a believer she had borne from him. She was also the
servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did in her much praise
and honour and love Thee; for that through the witness of the fruits of a holy
conversation they perceived Thy presence in her heart. For she had been the
wife of one man, had requited her parents, had governed her house piously, was
well reported of her good works, had brought up children, ^36 so often
travailing in birth of them, ^37 as she saw them swerving from Thee. Lastly,
of all of us Thy servants, O Lord (whom on occasion of Thy own gift Thou
sufferest to speak), us, who before her sleeping in Thee lived united
together, having received the grace of Thy baptism, did she so take care of,
as though she had been mother of us all; so served us, as though she had been
child to us all.
[Footnote 36: Tim. v. 4, 9, 10.]
[Footnote 37: Gal. iv. 19.]
The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day
Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I believe, by
Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone, leaning in a
certain window, which looked into the garden of the house where we now lay, at
Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we were recruiting from the fatigues
of a long journey, for the voyage. We were discoursing then together, alone,
very sweetly; and forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth
unto those things which are before, ^38 we were enquiring between ourselves in
the presence of the Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of
the saints was to be, which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it
entered into the heart of man. ^39 But yet we gasped with the mouth of our
heart, after those heavenly streams of Thy fountain, the fountain of life,
which is with Thee; ^40 that being bedewed thence according to our capacity,
we might in some sort meditate upon so high a mystery.
[Footnote 38: Phil. iii. 13.]
[Footnote 39: 1 Cor. ii. 9.]
[Footnote 40: Ps. xxxvi. 9.]
And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest
delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, was, in
respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of comparison, but
not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a more glowing affection
towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass through all things bodily, even
the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we
were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thy
works; and we came to our own minds, and went beyond them, that we might
arrive at that region of never-failing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel ^41
for ever with the food of truth, and where life is the Wisdom by whom all
these things are made, and what have been, and what shall be, and she is not
made, but is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to "have
been," and "hereafter to be," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing she is
eternal. For to "have been," and to "be hereafter," are not eternal. And while
we were discoursing and panting after her, we slightly touched on her with the
whole effort of our heart; and we sighed, and there we leave bound the first
fruits of the Spirit; ^42 and returned to vocal expressions of our mouth,
where the word spoken has beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word,
our Lord, who endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things
new? ^43
[Footnote 41: Ps. lxxx. 1.]
[Footnote 42: Rom. viii. 22.]
[Footnote 43: Wisd. vii. 27.]
We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed,
hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the poles of
heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking on self
surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations, every tongue and
every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition, since if any could hear,
all these say, We made not ourselves, but He made us that abideth for ever -
If then having uttered this, they too should be hushed, having roused only our
ears to Him who made them, and He alone speak, not by them, but by Himself,
that we may hear His Word, not through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel`s voice,
nor sound of thunder, nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear
Whom in these things we love, might hear His Very Self without these (as we
two now strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal
Wisdom which abideth over all): - could this be continued on, and other
visions of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and
wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for ever
like that one moment of understanding which now we sighed after; were not
this, Enter into thy Master`s joy? ^44 And when shall that be? When we shall
all rise again, though we shall not all be changed? ^45
[Footnote 44: Matt. xxv. 21.]
[Footnote 45: 1 Cor. xv. 51. - Vulg., etc.]
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