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Ninth BookDeath Of Augustine`s Mother
Death Of Augustine`s Mother
Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and
these same words, yet Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were
speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became, as we
spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own part I have no
further delight in any thing in this life. What I do here any longer, and to
what end I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this world are
accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to linger for a while in
this life, that I might see thee a Catholic Christian before I died. My God
hath done this for me more abundantly, that I should now see thee withal,
despising earthly happiness, become His servant: what do I here?"
What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce five
days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in that sickness
one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while withdrawn from these
visible things. We hastened round her; but she was soon brought back to her
senses; and looking on me and my brother standing by her, said to us
enquiringly, "Where was I?" And then looking fixedly on us, with grief amazed:
"Here," saith she, "shall you bury your mother." I held my peace and refrained
weeping; but my brother spake something, wishing, for her, as the happier lot,
that she might die, not in a strange place, but in her own land. Whereat, she
with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for that he still savoured such
things, and then looking upon me: "Behold," saith she, "what he saith:" and
soon after to us both, "Lay," she saith, "this body any where; let not the
care for that any way disquiet you: this only I request, that you would
remember me at the Lord`s altar, wherever you be." And having delivered this
sentiment in what words she could she held her peace, being exercised by her
growing sickness.
But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest into
the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring, did rejoice
and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how careful and anxious
she had ever been as to her place of burial, which she had provided and
prepared for herself by the body of her husband. For because they had lived in
great harmony together, she also wished (so little can the human mind embrace
things divine) to have this addition to that happiness, and to have it
remembered among men, that after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was
earthly of this united pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same
earth. But when this emptiness had through the fullness of Thy goodness begun
to cease in her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so
disclosed to me; though indeed in that our discourse also in the window, when
she said, "What do I here any longer?" there appeared no desire of dying in
her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when we were now at Ostia, she
with a mother`s confidence, when I was absent, one day discoursed with certain
of my friends about the contempt of this life, and the blessing of death: and
when they were amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given to a woman, and
asked, "Whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her own
city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared lest at
the end of the world, He should not recognise whence He were to raise me up."
On the ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth year of her age,
and the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy soul
freed from the body.
I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my heart
which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by the violent
command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and woe was me in such
a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy Adeodatus burst out into a
loud lament; then, checked by us all, held his peace. In like manner also a
childish feeling in me, which was, through my heart`s youthful voice, finding
its vent in weeping, was checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting
to solemnise that funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do
they for the most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or
altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor altogether
dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony of her good
conversation and her faith unfeigned.
What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound
wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of living
together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her last sickness,
mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she called me "dutiful," and
mentioned, with great affection of love, that she never had heard any harsh or
reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, Who
madest us, what comparison is there betwixt that honour that I paid to her,
and her slavery for me? Being then forsaken of so great comfort in her, my
soul was wounded, and that life rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and
mine together, had been made but one.
The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter, and
began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will sing of mercy
and judgment to Thee, O Lord. ^46 But hearing what we were doing, many
brethren and religious women came together; and whilst they (whose office it
was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is, I (in a part of the house,
where I might properly), together with those who thought not fit to leave me,
discoursed upon something fitting the time; and by this balm of truth assuaged
that torment, known to Thee, they unknowing and listening intently, and
conceiving me to be without all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none
of them heard, I blamed the weakness of my feelings, and refrained my flood of
grief, which gave way a little unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet
not so as to burst out into tears, nor to a change of countenance; still I
knew what I was keeping down in my heart. And being very much displeased that
these human things had such power over me, which in the due order and
appointment of our natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new grief
I grieved for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
[Footnote 46: Ps. ci.]
And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned
without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto Thee,
when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the corpse was
by the grave`s side, as the manner there is, previous to its being laid
therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the whole day in
secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as I could, to heal my
sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one
instance, how strong is the bond of all habit, even upon a soul, which now
feeds upon no deceiving Word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe,
having heard that the bath had its name (balneum) from the Greek Bahavelov,
for that it drives sadness from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy
mercy, Father of the fatherless, ^47 that I bathed, and was the same as before
I bathed. For the bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I
slept, and woke up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I
was alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou
art the
"Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o`er the night,
"That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew`d,
And hearts be rais`d that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu`d."
[Footnote 47: Ps. lxviii. 5.]
And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy
handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and
observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded to
weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my own. And I
gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow as much as they
desired; reposing my heart upon them; and if found rest in them, for it was in
Thy ears not in those of man, who would have scornfully interpreted my
weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess it unto Thee. Read it, who will,
and interpret it, how he will: and if he finds sin therein, that I wept my
mother for a small portion of an hour (the mother who for the time was dead to
mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me that I might live in Thine
eyes), let him not deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let
him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy
Christ.
But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem
blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in behalf
of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from a spirit
shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth in Adam. ^48
And although she having been quickened in Christ, even before her release from
the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name for her faith and conversation;
yet dare I not say that from what time Thou regeneratedst her by baptism, no
word issued from her mouth against Thy Commandment. ^49 Thy Son, the Truth,
hath said, Whosoever shall say unto his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger
of hell fire. ^50 And woe be even unto the commendable life of men, if, laying
aside mercy, Thou shouldest examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in
enquiring after sins, we confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But
whosoever reckons up his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but
Thine own gifts? O that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that
glorieth would glory in the Lord. ^51
[Footnote 48: 1 Cor. xv. 22.]
[Footnote 49: Matt. xii. 36.]
[Footnote 50: Matt. v. 22.]
[Footnote 51: 1 Cor. x. 17.]
I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for a
while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now beseech
Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee, by the
Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting at Thy right
hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. ^52 I know that she dealt mercifully,
and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her
debts, ^53 what ever she may have contracted in so many years, since the water
of salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I beseech Thee; enter not into the
judgment with her. ^54 Let Thy mercy be exalted above Thy justice, ^55 since
Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised mercy unto the merciful; ^56 which
thou gavest them to be, who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and
wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion. ^57
[Footnote 52: Rom. viii. 34.]
[Footnote 53: Matt. xviii. 35; vi. 12.]
[Footnote 54: Ps. cxliii. 2.]
[Footnote 55: James ii. 13.]
[Footnote 56: Matt. v. 7.]
[Footnote 57: Rom. ix. 15.]
And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord,
the free-will offerings of my mouth. ^58 For she, the day of her dissolution
now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or
embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried in
her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to have her
name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without intermission of
one day: whence she knew that holy Sacrifice to be dispensed, by which the
hand-writing that was against us is blotted out, ^59 through which the enemy
was triumphed over, who summing up our offences, and seeking what to lay to
our charge, found nothing in Him, ^60 in Whom we conquer. Who shall restore to
Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him the price wherewith He bought us, and so
take us from Him. Unto the Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound
her soul by the bond of faith. Let none sever her from Thy protection: let
neither the lion nor the dragon ^61 interpose himself by force or fraud. For
she will not answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by
the crafty accuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by Him,
to Whom none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid for us.
[Footnote 58: Ps. cxix. 108.]
[Footnote 59: Col. ii. 14.]
[Footnote 60: John xiv. 30.]
[Footnote 61: Ps. xci. 1.]
May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she had
never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit ^62 unto Thee,
that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God, inspire Thy
servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with voice and heart, and pen
I serve, that so many as shall read these Confessions, may at Thy Altar
remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose
bodies Thou broughtest me into this life, how, I know not. May they with
devout affection remember my parents in this transitory light, my brethren
under Thee our Father in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that
eternal Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus,
even unto their return thither. That so my mother`s last request of me, may,
through my Confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through the prayers
of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her.
[Footnote 62: Luke viii. 15.]
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