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First BookPreface
Preface
Confessions of the greatness and unsearchableness of God, of God`s
mercies in infancy and boyhood, and human wilfulness; of his own sins of
idleness, abuse of his studies, and of God`s gifts up to his fifteenth year.
Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power,
and Thy wisdom infinite. ^1 And Thee would man praise; man, but a particle of
Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of his sin,
the witness that Thou resistest the proud: ^2 yet would man praise Thee; he,
but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in Thy praise; for
Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose in
Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first, to call on Thee
or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for who can
call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee
as other than Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on Thee that we may
know Thee? But how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? or
how shall they believe without a preacher? ^3 and they that seek the Lord
shall praise Him: ^4 for they that seek shall find Him, ^5 and they that find
shall praise Him. I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee, and will call on
Thee; believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. My faith, Lord,
shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewith Thou hast inspired me,
through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through the ministry of the Preacher.
[Footnote 1: Ps. cxlv. 3; cxlvii. 5]
[Footnote 2: Jas. iv. 6; I Pet. v. 5.]
[Footnote 3: Rom. x. 14.]
[Footnote 4: Ps. xxii. 26.]
[Footnote 5: Matt. vii. 7.]
And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call for
Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is there within me,
whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God who made
heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me that can
contain do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, and wherein Thou hast
made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which exists could exist without
Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist,
why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not
in me? Why? because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also.
For if I go down into hell, Thou art there. ^6 I could not be then, O my God,
could not be at all, wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were in Thee,
of whom are all things, by whom are all things, in whom are all things? ^7
Even so, Lord, even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence
canst Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that
thence my God should come into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and the
earth. ^8
[Footnote 6: Ps. cxxxix. 7.]
[Footnote 7: Rom. xi. 36.]
[Footnote 8: Jer. xxiii. 24]
Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since thou fillest them? or
dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee? And
whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou forth the
remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain Thee, who
containest all things, since what Thou fillist by containing it? for the
vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, since, though they were broken,
Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou art poured out ^9 on us, Thou art not
cast down, but Thou upliftest us; Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest
us. But Thou who fillest all things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self?
or, since all things cannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee?
and all at once the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the
smaller less? And is, then, one part of Thee greater, another less? or, art
Thou wholly everywhere, while nothing contains Thee wholly? ^10
[Footnote 9: Acts ii. 18.]
[Footnote 10: Ps. xviii. 31.]
What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord but
the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most potent,
most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yet most present;
most beautiful, yet most strong; stable, yet incomprehensible; unchangeable,
yet all-changing; never new, never old; all-renewing, and bringing age upon
the proud, and they know it not; ever working, ever at rest; still gathering,
yet nothing lacking; supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating,
nourishing, and maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without
passion; art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry,
yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again what
Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing in gains;
never covetous, yet exacting usury. ^11 Thou receivest over and above, that
Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou payest debts,
owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what have I now said, my
God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any man when he speaks of Thee? Yet
woe to him that speaketh not, since mute are even the most eloquent.
[Footnote 11: Matt. xxv. 27, supererogatur tibi.]
Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my
heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my sole
good? What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. Or what am I to
Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, art wroth with me,
and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a slight woe to love Thee
not? Oh! for Thy mercies` sake, tell me, O Lord my God, what Thou art unto me.
Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. ^12 So speak, that I may hear. Behold,
Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my
soul, I am thy salvation. After this voice let me haste, and take hold on
Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die - lest I die - only let me see Thy
face.
[Footnote 12: Ps. xxxv. 3.]
Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter
in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine
eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or to whom should I
cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults and spare Thy servant
from the power of the enemy. ^13 I believe, and therefore do I speak. ^14
Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against myself my transgressions unto
Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of my heart? ^15 I contend
not in judgment with Thee, ^16 who art the truth; I fear to deceive myself;
lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. ^17 Therefore I contend not in judgment
with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall
abide it? ^18
[Footnote 13: Ps. xix. 12, 13.]
[Footnote 14: Ps. cxvi. 10.]
[Footnote 15: Ps. xxxii. 5.]
[Footnote 16: Job ix. 3.]
[Footnote 17: Ps. xxvi. 12. - Vulg.]
[Footnote 18: Ps. cxxx. 3.]
Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. ^19 Yet suffer
me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too,
perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion ^20 upon me.
For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into
this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the
comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from
the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion
me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman`s milk. For neither my mother
nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food
of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou
distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also
gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to
give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven-taught affection,
willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from
them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for
from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all my health. This
I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without,
proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what
pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh; nothing more.
[Footnote 19: Gen. xviii. 27.]
[Footnote 20: Jer. xii. 15.]
Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it was
told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants,
though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious
where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could
content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they
without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit. So I
flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such
as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I
was not presently obeyed (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I
was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no
service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I
learnt infants to be from observing them; and that I was myself such, they,
all unconscious, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it.
And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for
ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the
worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art God and
Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed for ever, the first
causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs
abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things
unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, all-pitying,
to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that
died before it? was it that which I spent within my mother`s womb? for of that
I have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? and what before
that life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I
none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine
own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and
acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?
I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my
first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou
hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and
believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and life,
and (at my infancy`s close) I could seek for signs whereby to make known to
others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord?
Shall any be his own artificer? or can there elsewhere be derived any vein,
which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord, in whom
essence and life are one? for Thou Thyself art supremely Essence and Life. For
Thou art most high, and art not changed, ^21 neither in Thee doth to-day come
to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also
are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And
since Thy years fail not, ^22 Thy years are one to-day, How many of ours and
our fathers` years have flowed away through Thy "to-day," and from it received
the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still others shall
flow away, and so receive the mould of their degree of being. But Thou art
still the same, ^23 and all things of to-morrow, and all beyond, and all of
yesterday, and all behind it, Thou hast done to-day. What is it to me, though
any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, What thing is this. ^24
Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not discovering to
discover Thee, than by discovering not to discover Thee.
[Footnote 21: Mal. iii. 6.]
[Footnote 22: Ps. cii. 27.]
[Footnote 23: Ps. cii. 27.]
[Footnote 24: Exod. xvi. 15.]
Hear, O God. Alas, for man`s sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; for
Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth me of the sins
of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even the infant
whose life is but a day upon the earth. ^25 Who remindeth me? doth not each
little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember not? What then was my
sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? for should I now so do for
food suitable to my age, justly should I be laughed at and reproved. What I
then did was worthy reproof; but since I could not understand reproof, custom
and reason forbade me to be reproved. For those habits, when grown, we root
out and cast away. Now no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away what is
good. ^26 Or was it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, if given,
would hurt? bitterly to resent, that persons free, and its own elders, yea,
the very authors of its birth, served it not? that many besides, wiser than
it, obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to do its best to strike and
hurt, because commands were not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its hurt? The
weakness then of infant limbs, not its will, is its innocence. Myself have
seen and known even a baby envious; it could not speak, yet it turned pale and
looked bitterly on its foster brother. Who knows not this? Mothers and nurses
tell you that they allay these things by I know not what remedies. Is that too
innocence, when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance, not to
endure one to share it, though in extremest need, and whose very life as yet
depends thereon? We bear gently with all this, not as being no or slight
evils, but because they will disappear as years increase; for, though
tolerated now, the very same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in
riper years.
[Footnote 25: Job xxv. 4.]
[Footnote 26: John xv. 2.]
Thou, then O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, furnishing
thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, compacting its limbs,
ornamenting its proportions, and for its general good and safety, implanting
in it all vital functions, Thou commandest me to praise Thee in these things,
to confess unto Thee, and sing unto Thy name, Thou most Highest. ^27 For Thou
art God, Almighty and Good, even hadst Thou done nought but only this, which
none could do but Thou; whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy
own fairness makest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This
age, then, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others` word,
and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though the guess be, I
am yet loth to count in this life of mine which I live in this world. For no
less than that which I spent in my mother`s womb, is it hid from me in the
shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my
mother conceive me, ^28 where, I beseech Thee, O my God, where, Lord, or when,
was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that period I pass by; and what have I
now to do with that, of which I can recall no vestige?
[Footnote 27: Ps. xcii. I.]
[Footnote 28: Ps. li. 7.]
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