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Tenth BookHappy Life
Happy Life
It is not certain then that all wish to be happy, inasmuch as they who
wish not to joy in Thee, which is the only happy life, do not truly desire the
happy life. Or do all men desire this, but because the flesh lusteth against
the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, that they cannot do what they
would, ^31 they fall upon that which they can, and are content therewith;
because, what they are not able to do, they do not will so strongly as would
suffice to make them able? For I ask any one, had he rather joy in truth, or
in falsehood? They will as little hesitate to say "in the truth," as to say
"that they desire to be happy," for a happy life is joy in the truth: for this
is a joying in Thee, Who art the Truth, ^32 O God my light, health of my
countenance, my God. ^33 This is the happy life which all desire; this life
which alone is happy, all desire; to joy in the truth all desire. I have met
with many that would deceive; who would be deceived, no one. Where then did
they know this happy life, save where they knew the truth also? For they love
it also, since they would not be deceived. And when they love a happy life,
which is no other than joying in the truth, then also do they love the truth;
which yet they would not love, were there not some notice of it in their
memory. Why then joy they not in it? why are they not happy? because they are
more strongly taken up with other things which have more power to make them
miserable, than that which they so faintly remember to make them happy. For
there is yet a little light in men; let them walk, let them walk, that the
darkness overtake them not. ^34
[Footnote 31: Gal. v. 17.]
[Footnote 32: John xiv. 6.]
[Footnote 33: Ps. xxvii. 1; xlii. 11.]
[Footnote 34: John xii. 35.]
But why doth "truth generate hatred" and the man of thine, ^35 preaching
the truth, become an enemy to them? whereas a happy life is loved, which is
nothing else but joying in the truth; unless that truth is in that kind loved,
that they who love any thing else would gladly have that which they love to be
the truth: and because they would not be deceived, would not be convinced that
they are so? Therefore do they hate the truth for that thing`s sake which they
love instead of the truth. They love truth when she enlightens, they hate her
when she reproves. For since they would not be deceived, and would deceive,
they love her when she discovers herself unto them, and hate her when she
discovers them. Whence she shall so repay them, that they who would not be
made manifest by her, she both against their will makes manifest, and herself
becometh not manifest unto them. Thus, thus, yea thus doth the mind of man,
thus blind and sick, foul and ill-favoured, wish to be hidden, but that aught
should be hidden from it, it wills not. But the contrary is requited it, that
itself should not be hidden from the Truth; but the Truth is hid from it. Yet
even thus miserable, it had rather joy in truths than in falsehoods. Happy
then will it be, when, no distraction interposing, it shall joy in that only
Truth, by Whom all things are true.
[Footnote 35: John viii. 40.]
See what a space I have gone over in my memory seeking Thee, O Lord; and
I have not found Thee, without it. Nor have I found any thing concerning Thee,
but what I have kept in memory, ever since I learnt Thee. For since I learnt
Thee, I have not forgotten Thee. For where I found Truth, there found I my
God, the Truth Itself; which since I learnt, I have not forgotten. Since then
I learnt Thee, Thou residest in my memory; and there do I find Thee, when I
call Thee to remembrance, and delight in Thee. These be my holy delights,
which Thou hast given me in Thy mercy, having regard to my poverty.
But where in my memory residest Thou, O Lord, where residest Thou there?
what manner of lodging hast Thou framed for Thee? what manner of sanctuary
hast Thou builded for Thee? Thou hast given this honour to my memory, to
reside in it; but in what quarter of it Thou residest, that am I considering.
For in thinking on Thee, I passed beyond such parts of it as the beasts also
have, for I found Thee not there among the images of corporeal things: and I
came to those parts to which I committed the affections of my mind, nor found
Thee there. And I entered into the very seat of my mind (which it hath in my
memory, inasmuch as the mind remembers itself also), neither wert Thou there:
for as Thou art not a corporeal image, nor the affection of a living being (as
when we rejoice, condole, desire, fear, remember, forget, or the like); so
neither art Thou the mind itself; because Thou art the Lord God of the mind;
and all these are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over all, and yet
hast vouchsafed to dwell in my memory, since I learnt Thee. And why seek I now
in what place thereof Thou dwellest, as if there were places therein? Sure I
am, that in it Thou dwellest, since I have remembered Thee ever since I learnt
Thee, and there I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance.
Where then did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For in my memory
Thou wert not, before I learned Thee. Where then did I find Thee, that I might
learn Thee, but in Thee above me? Place there is none; we go backward and
forward, ^36 and there is no place. Every where, O Truth, dost Thou give
audience to all who ask counsel of Thee, and at once answerest all, though on
manifold matters they ask Thy counsel. Clearly dost Thou answer, though all do
not clearly hear. All consult Thee on what they will, though they hear not
always what they will. He is Thy best servant who looks not so much to hear
from Thee which himself willeth, as rather to will that which from Thee he
heareth.
[Footnote 36: Job xxiii. 8, 9.]
Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too
late I love Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there I
searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which Thou hadst
made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held me far from
Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all. Thou calledst and
shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst, shonest, and scatteredst
my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I drew in breath and pant for Thee.
I tasted, and hunger and thirst. Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy
peace.
When I shall with my whole self cleave to Thee, I shall no where have
sorrow or labour; and my life shall wholly live, as wholly full of Thee. But
now since whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up, because I am not full of Thee I
am a burden to myself. Lamentable joys strive with joyous sorrows: and on
which side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. My
evil sorrows strive with my good joys; and on which side is the victory, I
know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. Woe is me! I hide not my wounds;
Thou art the Physician, I the sick; Thou merciful, I miserable. Is not the
life of man upon earth all trial? ^37 Who wishes for troubles and
difficulties? Thou commandest them to be endured, not to be loved. No man
loves what he endures, though he love to endure. For though he rejoices that
he endures, he had rather there were nothing for him to endure. In adversity I
long for prosperity, in prosperity I fear adversity. What middle place is
there betwixt these two, where the life of man is not all trial? Woe to the
prosperities of the world, once and again, through fear of adversity, and
corruption of joy! Woe to the adversities of the world, once and again, and
the third time, from the longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself
is a hard thing, and lest it shatter endurance. Is not the life of man upon
earth all trial: without any interval?
[Footnote 37: Job. vii. 1. - Old Vulg.]
And all my hope is no where but in Thy exceeding great mercy. Give what
Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. Thou enjoinest us continency; and
when I knew, saith one, that no man can be continent, unless God give it, this
also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. ^38 By continency verily
are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we were dissipated into
many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves any thing with Thee, which
he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever burnest and never consumest! O
charity, my God! kindle me. Thou enjoinest continency: give me what Thou
enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt.
[Footnote 38: Wisd. viii. 21.]
Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust
of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. ^39 Thou enjoinest continency from
concubinage; and for wedlock itself. Thou hast counselled something better
than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was done, even
before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But there yet live in my memory
(whereof I have much spoken) the images of such things as my ill custom there
fixed, which haunt me, strengthless when I am awake: but in sleep, not only so
as to give pleasure, but even to obtain assent, and what is very like reality.
Yea, so far prevails the illusion of the image, in my soul and in my flesh,
that, when asleep, false visions persuade to that which when waking, the true
cannot. Am I not then myself, O Lord my God? And yet there is so much
difference betwixt myself and myself, within that moment wherein I pass from
waking to sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where is reason then,
which, awake, resisteth such suggestions? And should the things themselves be
urged on it, it remaineth unshaken. It is clasped up with the eyes? is it
lulled asleep with the senses of the body? And whence is it that often even in
sleep we resist, and mindful of our purpose, and abiding most chastely in it,
yield no assent to such enticements? And yet so much difference there is, that
when it happeneth otherwise, upon waking we return to peace of conscience; and
by this very difference discover that we did not, what yet we be sorry that in
some way it was done in us.
[Footnote 39: 1 John ii. 16.]
Art Thou not mighty, God Almighty, so as to heal all the diseases of my
soul, ^40 and by Thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions of
my sleep! Thou wilt increase, Lord, Thy gifts more and more in me, that my
soul may follow me to Thee, disentangled from the bird-lime of concupiscence;
that it rebel not against itself, and even in dreams not only not, through
images of sense, commit those debasing corruptions, even to pollution of the
flesh, but not even to consent unto them. For that nothing of this sort should
have, over the pure affections even of a sleeper, the very least influence,
not even such as a thought would restrain - to work this, not only during
life, but even at my present age is not hard for the Almighty, Who art able to
do above all that we ask or think. ^41 But what I yet am in this kind of my
evil, have I confessed unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling, ^42 in
that which Thou hast given me, and bemoaning that wherein I am still
imperfect; hoping that Thou wilt perfect Thy mercies in me, even to perfect
peace, which my outward and inward man shall have with Thee, when death shall
be swallowed up in victory. ^43
[Footnote 40: Ps. ciii. 3.]
[Footnote 41: Eph. iii. 20.]
[Footnote 42: Ps. ii. 11.]
[Footnote 43: 1 Cor. xv. 54.]
There is another evil of the day, ^44 which I would were sufficient for
it. For by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of our body, until
Thou destroy both belly and meat, ^45 when Thou shalt slay my emptiness with a
wonderful fullness, and clothe this corruptible with an eternal incorruption.
^46 But now the necessity is sweet unto me, against which sweetness I fight,
that I be not taken captive; and carry on a daily war by fastings; often
bringing my body into subjection, ^47 and my pains are removed by pleasure.
For hunger and thirst are in a manner pains; they burn and kill like a fever,
unless the medicine of nourishments come to our aid. Which since it is at hand
through the consolations of Thy gifts, with which land, and water, and air
serve our weakness, our calamity is termed gratification.
[Footnote 44: Matt. vi. 34.]
[Footnote 45: 1 Cor. vi. 13.]
[Footnote 46: 1 Cor. xv. 54.]
[Footnote 47: Ibid ix. 27.]
This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to take food as
physic. But while I am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the content
of replenishing, in the very passage the snare of concupiscence besets me. For
that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any other way to pass thither, whither
we needs must pass. And health being the cause of eating and drinking, there
joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous pleasure, which mostly endeavours
to go before it, so that I may for her sake do what I say I do, or wish to do,
for health`s sake. Nor have each the same measure; for what is enough for
health, is too little for pleasure. And oft it is uncertain whether it be the
necessary care of the body which is yet asking for sustenance, or whether a
voluptuous deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services. In this
uncertainty the unhappy soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse to
shield itself, glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the moderation of
health, that under the cloak of health, it may disguise the matter of
gratification. These temptations I daily endeavour to resist, and I call on
Thy right hand, and to Thee do I refer my perplexities; because I have as yet
no settled counsel herein.
I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your hearts be overcharged
with surfeiting and drunkenness. ^48 Drunkenness is far from me; Thou wilt
have mercy, that it come not near me. But full feeding sometimes creepeth upon
Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy, that it may be far from me. For no one can
be continent unless Thou give it. ^49 Many things Thou givest us, praying for
them; and what good soever we have received before we prayed, from Thee we
received it; yea to the end we might afterwards know this, did we before
receive it. Drunkard was I never, but drunkards have I known made sober by
Thee. From Thee then it was, that they who never were such, should not so be,
as from Thee it was, that they who have been should not ever so be; and from
Thee it was, that both might know from Whom it was. I hear another voice of
Thine. Go not after thy lusts, and from thy pleasure turn away. ^50 Yea by Thy
favour have I heard that which I have much loved; neither if we eat, shall we
abound; neither if we eat not, shall we lack; ^51 which is to say, neither
shall the one make me plenteous nor the other miserable. I heard also another,
for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content; I know
how to abound, and how to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ that
strengtheneth me. ^52 Behold a soldier of the heavenly camp, not the dust
which we are. But remember, ^53 Lord, that we are dust, and that of dust Thou
hast made man; ^54 and he was lost and is found. ^55 Nor could he of himself
do this, because he whom I so loved, saying this through the inbreathing of
Thy inspiration, was of the same dust. I can do all things (saith he) through
Him that strengtheneth me. Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou
enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. He confesses to have received, and when
he glorieth, in the Lord he glorieth. ^56 Another have I heard begging that he
might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; ^57 whence it
appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which Thou
commandest to be done. Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all
things are pure; but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence;
^58 and, that every creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused,
which is received with thanksgiving; ^59 and that meat commendeth us not to
God; ^60 and, that no man should judge us in meat or drink; ^61 and, that he
which eateth, let him not despise him that eateth not; and let him not that
eateth not, judge him that eateth. ^62 These things have I learned, thanks be
to Thee, praise to Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears, enlightening
my heart; deliver me out of all temptation. I fear not uncleanness of meat,
but the uncleanness of lusting. I know that Noah was permitted to eat all kind
of flesh that was good for food; ^63 that Elijah was fed with flesh; ^64 that
John, endued with an admirable abstinence, was not polluted by feeding on
living creatures, locusts. I know also that Esau was deceived by lusting for
lentiles; ^65 and that David blamed himself for desiring a draught of water;
^66 and that our King was tempted, not concerning flesh, but bread. ^67 And
therefore the people in the wilderness also deserved to be reproved, not for
desiring flesh, but because, in the desire of food, they murmured against the
Lord. ^68
[Footnote 48: Luke xxi. 34.]
[Footnote 49: Wisd. viii. 21.]
[Footnote 50: Ecclus. xviii. 30.]
[Footnote 51: 1 Cor. viii. 8.]
[Footnote 52: Phil. iv. 11-13.]
[Footnote 53: Ps. ciii. 14.]
[Footnote 54: Gen. iii. 19.]
[Footnote 55: Luke xv. 32.]
[Footnote 56: 1 Cor. i. 30, 31.]
[Footnote 57: Ecclus. xxiii. 6.]
[Footnote 58: Rom. xiv. 20.]
[Footnote 59: 1 Tim. iv. 4.]
[Footnote 60: 1 Cor. viii. 8.]
[Footnote 61: Col. ii. 16.]
[Footnote 62: Rom. xiv. 3.]
[Footnote 63: Gen. ix. 3.]
[Footnote 64: 1 Kings xvii. 6.]
[Footnote 65: Gen. xxv. 34.]
[Footnote 66: 2 Sam. xxiii. 15-17.]
[Footnote 67: Matt. iv. 3.]
[Footnote 68: Numb. xi.]
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