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Tenth BookTemptations
Temptations
Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily against concupiscence
in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature that I can settle on
cutting it off once for all, and never touching it afterwards, as I could of
concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be held attempered between
slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who is not some whit
transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he is, he is a great one;
let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such, for I am a sinful man. ^69 Yet
do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh intercession to Thee ^70 for my sins
who hath overcome the world; ^71 numbering me among the weak members or His
body; ^72 because Thine eyes have seen that of Him which is imperfect, and in
Thy book shall all be written. ^73
[Footnote 69: Luke v. 8.]
[Footnote 70: Rom. viii. 34.]
[Footnote 71: John xvi. 33.]
[Footnote 72: 1 Cor. xii. 22.]
[Footnote 73: Ps. cxxxix. 16.]
With the allurements of smells, I am not much concerned. When absent, I
do not miss them; when present, I do not refuse them; yet ever ready to be
without them. So I seem to myself; perchance I am deceived. For that also is a
mournful darkness whereby my abilities within are hidden from me; so that my
mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers, ventures not readily to
believe herself; because even what is in it is mostly hidden unless experience
reveal it. And no one ought to be secure in that life, the whole whereof is
called a trial, ^74 that he who hath been capable of worse to be made better,
may not likewise of better be made worse. Our only hope, only confidence, only
assured promise is Thy mercy.
[Footnote 74: Job vii. 1. - Vulg.]
The delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me; but
Thou didst loosen and free me. Now, in those melodies which Thy words breathe
soul into, when sung with a sweet and attuned voice, I do little repose; yet
not so to be held thereby, but that I can disengage myself when I will. But
with the words which are their life and whereby they find admission into me,
themselves seek in my affections a place of some estimation, and I can
scarcely assign them one suitable. For at one time I seem to myself to give
them more honour than is seemly, feeling our minds to be more holily and
fervently raised unto a flame of devotion, by the holy words themselves when
thus sung, than when not; and that the several affections of our spirit, by a
sweet variety, have their own proper measures in the voice and singing, by
some hidden correspondence wherewith they are stirred up. But this contentment
of the flesh, to which the soul must not be given over to be enervated doth
oft beguile me, the sense not so waiting upon reason as patiently to follow
her; but having been admitted merely for her sake, it strives even to run
before her, and lead her. Thus in these things I unawares sin, but afterwards
am aware of it.
At other times, shunning over-anxiously this very deception, I err in too
great strictness; and sometimes to that degree, as to wish the whole melody of
sweet music which is used to David`s Psalter, banished from my ears, and the
Church`s too; and that mode seems to me safer, which I remember to have been
often told me of Athanasius. Bishop of Alexandria, who made the reader of the
psalm utter it with so slight inflection of voice, that it was nearer speaking
than singing. Yet again, when I remember the tears I shed at the Psalmody of
Thy Church, in the beginning of my recovered faith; and how at this time I am
moved not with the singing, but with the things sung, when they are sung with
a clear voice and modulation most suitable, I acknowledge the great use of
this institution. Thus I fluctuate between peril of pleasure and approved
wholesomeness; inclined the rather (though nor as pronouncing an irrevocable
opinion) to approve of the usage of singing in the church; that so by the
delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to the feeding of devotion. Yet
when it befalls me to be more moved with the voice than the words sung, I
confess to have sinned penally, and then had rather not hear music. See now my
state: weep with me, and weep for me, ye, whose regulate your feelings within,
as that good action ensues. For you who do not act, these things touch not
you. But Thou, O Lord my God, hearken; behold, and see, and have mercy and
heal me, ^75 Thou, in whose presence I have become a problem to myself; and
that is my infirmity. ^76.
[Footnote 75: Ps. vi. 3.]
[Footnote 76: Ps. lxxvii. 10.]
There remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh, on which to make my
confessions in the hearing of the ears of Thy temple, these brotherly and
devout ears: and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of the flesh,
which yet assail me, groaning earnestly, and desiring to be clothed upon with
my house from heaven. ^77 The eyes love fair and varied forms, and bright and
soft colours. Let not these occupy my soul; let God rather occupy it, who made
these things, very good ^78 indeed, yet is He my good, not they. And these
affect me, waking, the whole day, nor is any rest given me from them, as there
is from musical, sometimes in silence, from all voices. For this queen of
colours, the light, bathing all which we behold, wherever I am through the
day, gliding by me in varied forms, soothes me when engaged on other things,
and not observing it. And so strongly doth it entwine itself, that if it be
suddenly withdrawn, it is with longing sought for, and if absent long,
saddeneth the mind.
[Footnote 77: 2 Cor. v. 2.]
[Footnote 78: Gen. i. 31.]
O Thou Light, which Tobias saw, when these eyes closed he taught his son
the way of life; ^79 and himself went before with the feet of charity, never
swerving. Or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly eyes being heavy ^80 and closed
by old age, it was vouchsafed him, not knowingly, to bless his sons, but by
blessing to know them. Or which Jacob saw, when he also, blind through great
age, with illumined heart, in the persons of his sons shed light on the
different races of the future people, in them foresignified; and laid his
hands, mystically crossed upon his grandchildren by Joseph, not as their
father by his outward eye corrected them, but as himself inwardly discerned.
^81 This is the light, it is one, and all are one, who see and love it. But
that corporeal light whereof I spake, it seasoneth the life of this world for
her blind lovers with an enticing and dangerous sweetness. But they who know
how to praise Thee for it, "O All-creating Lord," take it up in Thy hymns, and
are not taken up with it in their sleep. Such would I be. These seductions of
the eyes I resist, lest my feet wherewith I walk u on Thy way be ensnared; and
I lift up mine invisible eyes to Thee that Thou wouldest pluck my feet out of
the snare. ^82 Thou dost ever and anon pluck them out, for they are ensnared.
Thou ceasest not to pluck them out, while I often entangle myself in the
snares on all sides aid: because Thou that keepest Israel neither slumber nor
sleep. ^83.
[Footnote 79: Tob. iv.]
[Footnote 80: Gen. xxvii.]
[Footnote 81: Gen. xlviii.]
[Footnote 82: Ps. xxv. 15.]
[Footnote 83: Ps. cxxi. 4.]
What innumerable toys, made by divers arts and manufactures in our
apparel, shoes, utensils and all sort of works, in pictures also in divers
images, and these far exceeding all necessary and moderate use and all pious
meaning, have men added to tempt their own eyes withal; outwardly following
what themselves make, inwardly forsaking Him by whom themselves were made, and
destroying that which themselves have been made! But I, my God and my Glory,
do hence also sing a hymn to Thee, and do consecrate praise to Him who
consecrateth me, because beautiful patterns which through men`s souls are
conveyed into their cunning hands, come from that Beauty, which is above our
souls, which my soul day and night sigheth after. But the framers and
followers of the outward beauties derive thence the rule of judging of them,
but not of using them. And He is there, though they perceive Him not, that so
they might not wander, but keep their strength for Thee, ^84 and not scatter
it abroad upon pleasurable wearinesses. And I, though I speak and see this,
entangle my steps with these outward beauties; but Thou pluckest me out, O
Lord, Thou pluckest me out; because Thy loving-kindness is before my eyes. ^85
For I am taken miserably, and Thou pluckest me out mercifully; sometimes not
perceiving it, when I had but lightly lighted upon them; otherwhiles with
pain, because I had stuck fast in them.
[Footnote 84: Ps. lviii. - Vulg.]
[Footnote 85: Ps. xxv. 3.]
To this is added another form of temptation more manifoldly dangerous.
For besides that concupiscence of the flesh which consisteth in the delight of
all senses and pleasures, wherein it slaves, who go far from Thee, ^86 waste
and perish, the soul hath, through the same senses of the body, a certain vain
and curious desire, veiled under the title of knowledge and learning, not of
delighting in the flesh, but of making experiments through the flesh. The seat
whereof being in the appetite of knowledge, and sight being the sense chiefly
used for attaining knowledge, it is in Divine language called The lust of the
eyes. ^87 For to see, belongeth properly to the eyes; yet we use this word of
the other senses also, when we employ them in seeking knowledge. For we do not
say, hark how it flashes, or smell how it glows, or taste how it shines, or
feel how it gleams; for all these are said to be seen. And yet we say not
only, how it shineth, which the eyes alone can perceive; but also, see how it
soundeth, see how it smelleth, see how it tasteth, see how hard it is. And so
the general experience of the senses, as was said, is called The lust of the
eyes, because the office of seeing, wherein the eyes hold the prerogative, the
other senses by the way of similitude take to themselves when they make search
after any knowledge.
[Footnote 86: Ps. lxxiii. 27.]
[Footnote 87: 1 John ii. 16.]
But by this may more evidently be discerned, wherein pleasure and wherein
curiosity is the object of the senses; for pleasure seeketh objects beautiful,
melodious, fragrant, savoury, soft; but curiosity, for trial`s sake, the
contrary as well, not for the sake of suffering annoyance, but out of the lust
of making trial and knowing them. For what pleasure hath it, to see in a
mangled carcase what will make you shudder? and yet if it be lying near, they
flock thither, to be made, sad, and to turn pale. Even in sleep they are
afraid to see it. As if when awake, any one forced them to see it, or any
report of its beauty drew them thither! Thus also in the other senses, which
it were long to go through. From this disease of curiosity are all those
strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence men go on to search out the
hidden powers of nature (which is besides our end), which to know profits not,
and wherein men desire nothing but to know. Hence also, if with that same end
of perverted knowledge magical arts be enquired by. Hence also in religion
itself, is God tempted, when signs and wonders are demanded of Him, not
desired for any good end, but merely to make trial of.
In this so vast wilderness, full of snares and dangers, behold many of
them, I have cut off, and thrust out of my heart, as Thou hast given me, O God
of my salvation. And yet when dare I say, since so many things of this kind
buzz on all sides about our daily life - when dare I say that nothing of this
sort engages my attention or causes in me an idle interest? True, the theatres
do not now carry me away, nor care I to know the courses of the stars, nor did
my soul ever consult ghosts departed; all sacrilegious mysteries I detest.
From Thee, O Lord my God, to whom I owe humble and single-hearted service, by
what artifices and suggestions doth the enemy deal with me to desire some
sign! But I beseech Thee by our King, and by our pure and holy country,
Jerusalem, that as any consenting thereto is far from me, so may it ever be
further and further. But when I pray Thee for the salvation of any, my end and
intention is far different. Thou givest and wilt give me to follow Thee
willingly, doing what Thou wilt. ^88
[Footnote 88: John xxi. 22.]
Notwithstanding, in how many most petty and contemptible things is our
curiosity daily tempted, and how often we give way, who can recount? How often
do we begin as it were tolerating people telling vain stories, lest we offend
the weak; then by degrees we take interest therein! I go not now to the circus
to see a dog coursing a hare; but in the field, if passing, that coursing
peradventure will distract me even from some weighty thought, and draw me
after it: not that I turn aside the body of my beast, yet still incline my
mind thither. And unless Thou, having made me see my infirmity, didst speedily
admonish me either through the sight itself, by some contemplation to rise
towards Thee, or altogether to despise and pass it by, I dully stand fixed
therein. What, when sitting at home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider
entangling them rushing into her nets, offtimes takes my attention? Is the
thing different, because they are but small creatures? I go on from them to
praise Thee the wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not first
draw my attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not to fall. And
of such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy wonderful great mercy.
For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such things and is overcharged
with throngs of this abundant vanity, then are our prayers also thereby often
interrupted and distracted, and whilst in Thy presence we direct the voice of
our heart to Thine ears, this so great concern is broken off, by the rushing
in of I know not what idle thoughts. Shall we then account this also among
things of slight concernment, or shall aught bring us back to hope, save Thy
complete mercy, since Thou hast begun to change us?
And Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first healedst
me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest forgive all the
rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities, and redeem my life from
corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and satisfy my desire with good
things; ^89 who didst curb my pride with Thy fear, and tame my neck to Thy
yoke. And now I bear it and it is light ^90 unto me, because so hast Thou
promised, and hast made it; and verily so it was, and I knew it not, when I
feared to take it.
[Footnote 89: Ps. ciii. 3-5.]
[Footnote 90: Matt. xi. 30.]
But, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only
true Lord, who hast no Lord; hath this third kind of temptation also ceased
from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish, namely, to be
feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we may have a joy therein
which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul boastfulness? Hence
especially it comes that men do neither purely love nor fear Thee. And
therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest grace to the humble: ^91 yea,
Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the world, and the foundations of
the mountains tremble. ^92 Because now certain offices of human society make
it necessary to be loved and feared of men, the adversary of our true
blessedness layeth hard at us, every where spreading his snares of "well-done,
well-done;" that greedily catching at them, we may be taken unawares, and
sever our joy from Thy truth, and set it in the deceivingness of men; and be
pleased at being loved and feared, not for Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and
thus having been made like him, he may have them for his own, not in the bands
of charity, but in the bonds of punishment: who purposed to set his throne in
the north, ^93 that dark and chilled they might serve him pervertedly and
crookedly imitating Thee. But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little flock; ^94
possess us as Thine, stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly under them. Be
Thou our glory; let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word feared in us. Who would
be praised of men when Thou blamest, will not be defended of men when Thou
judgest; nor delivered when Thou condemnest. But when-not the sinner is
praised in the desires of his soul, ^95 nor he blessed who doth ungodlily, ^96
but - a man is praised for some gift which Thou hast given him, and he
rejoices more at the praise for himself than that he hath the gift for which
he is praised, he also is praised, while Thou dispraisest; and better is he
who praised than he who is praised. For the one took pleasure in the gift of
God in man; the other was better pleased with the gift of man, than of God.
[Footnote 91: Jam. iv. 6.]
[Footnote 92: Ps. xvii. 7.]
[Footnote 93: Is. xiv. 13, 14.]
[Footnote 94: Luke xii. 32.]
[Footnote 95: Ps. ix. 29. - Vulg.]
[Footnote 96: Ps. x. 3.]
By these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord: without ceasing are
we assailed. Our daily furnace ^97 is the tongue of men. And in this way also
Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou
wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and the floods of
mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed from this plague, and
I much fear my secret sins, ^98 which Thine eyes know, mine do not. For in
other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means of examining myself; in
this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind from the pleasures of the flesh
and idle curiosity, I see how much I have attained to, when I do without them;
foregoing, or not having them. For then I ask myself how much or less
troublesome it is to me not to have them? Then, riches, which are desired,
that they may serve to some one or two or all of the three concupiscences, ^99
if the soul cannot discern whether, when it hath them, it despiseth them, they
may be cast aside, that so it may prove itself. But to be without praise, and
therein essay our powers, must we live ill, yea so abandonedly and
atrociously, that no one should know without detesting us? What greater
madness can be said or thought of? But if praise useth and ought to accompany
a good life and good works, we ought as little to forego its company, as good
life itself. Yet I know not whether I can well or ill be without any thing,
unless it be absent.
[Footnote 97: Prov. xxvii. 21.]
[Footnote 98: Ps. xix. 12.]
[Footnote 99: 1 John ii. 16.]
What then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord?
What, but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more than
with praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being frenzied in
error on all things, be praised by all men, or being consistent and most
settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which I should choose. Yet fain
would I that the approbation of another should not even increase my joy for
any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase it, and not so only, but dispraise
doth diminish it. And when I am troubled at this my misery, an excuse occurs
to me, which of what value it is, Thou God knowest, for it leaves me
uncertain. For since Thou has commanded us not continency alone, that is, from
what things to refrain our love, but righteousness also, that is, whereon to
bestow it, and hast willed us to love not. Thee only, but our neighbour also;
often, when pleased with intelligent praise, I seem to myself to be pleased
with the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour, or to be grieved for
evil in him, when I hear him dispraise either what he understands not, or is
good. For sometimes I am grieved at my own praise, either when those things be
praised in me, in which I mislike myself, or even lesser and slight goods are
more esteemed than they ought. But again how know I whether I am therefore
thus affected, because I would not have him who praiseth me differ from me
about myself; not as being influenced by concern for him, but because those
same good things which please me in myself, please me more when they please
another also? For some how I am not praised when my judgment of myself is not
praised; forasmuch as either those things are praised, which displease me; or
those more, which please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this matter?
Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own
praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether it be
so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of Thee. I
beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may confess unto my
brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself maimed. Let me examine
myself again more diligently. If in my praise I am moved with the good of my
neighbour, why am I less moved if another be unjustly dispraised than if it be
myself? Why am I more stung by reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast
upon another, with the same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is
it at last that I deceive myself, ^100 and do not the truth before Thee in my
heart and tongue? This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be
to me the sinner`s oil to make fat my head. ^101 I am poor and needy; ^102 yet
best, while in hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until
what is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that
peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not.
[Footnote 100: Gal. vi. 3; 1 John i. 8]
[Footnote 101: Ps. cxli. 5.]
[Footnote 102: Ps. cix. 22.]
Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men, bring
with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise: which to
establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and collects men`s
suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself in myself, on the
very ground that it is reproved; and often glories more vainly of the very
contempt of vainglory; and so it is no longer contempt of vainglory, whereof
it glories; for it doth not contemn when it glorieth.
Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation;
whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they please
not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing themselves, they
much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things not good, as if good,
but in Thy good things, as though their own; or even if as Thine, yet as
though for their own merits; or even if as though from Thy grace, yet not with
brotherly rejoicing, but envying that grace to others. In all these and the
like perils and travails, Thou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather
feel my wounds to be cured by Thee, than not inflicted by me.
Where hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware,
and what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover here below,
and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I surveyed the world
and observed the life, which my body hath from me, and these my senses. Thence
entered I the recesses of my memory, those manifold and spacious chambers,
wonderfully furnished with innumerable stores; and I considered, and stood
aghast; being able to discern nothing of these things without Thee, and
finding none of them to be Thee. Nor was I myself, who found out these things,
who went over them all, and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing
according to its dignity, taking some things upon the report of my senses,
questioning about others which I felt to be mingled with myself, numbering and
distinguishing the reporters themselves, and in the large treasure-house of
my memory revolving some things, storing up others, drawing out others. Nor
yet was I myself when I did this, i.e., that my power whereby I did it neither
was it Thou, for Thou art the abiding light, which I consulted concerning all
these, whether they were, what they were, and how to be valued; and I heard
Thee directing and commanding me; and this I often do, this delights me; and
as far as I may be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I
recourse. Nor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any
safe place for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may be
gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou admittest me
to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to a strange
sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what in it would not
belong to the life to come. But through my miserable encumbrances I sink down
again into these lower things, and am swept back by former custom, and am
held, and greatly weep, but am greatly held. So much doth the burden of a bad
custom weigh us down. Here I can stay, but would not; there I would, but
cannot; both ways, miserable.
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